The Q Must Be Crazy II
by GrandEclectus
Summary: Q's insane plan to unite J/C goes haywire, so everything goes wrong. Kathryn refuses Chakotay. Will Chakotay be doomed to a life alone with only Q in his mind for company? Quick read chapters. A crazy romp for V'ger and a crossover w/ "El Diablo".
1. Touching Without Touching

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Another version of Q playing Cupid with our favorite couple.

J/C schmaltz to the max!

Rated: Teen

February 2008

Fun filled romp with Q playing Cyrano de Bergerac

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chakotay dragged his feet as he trudged to his seat on the bridge. Furtive eyes of the Bridge Personnel all noticed his dispirited steps, though he believed he was hiding his feelings. Tom surreptitiously stole peeks at his Commanding Officer and thought he pretty much knew what had been eating the man.

Captain Janeway looked up from her PADD and saw his drawn face and the dark circles under his eyes. She glanced back down, made a few more entries, and then said, "Commander, would you meet me in Ready Room for a few moments? Mr. Tuvok, you have the Conn."

"Acknowledged."

Upon entering the room, she briskly retreated to the chair behind her desk and motioned for him to sit down. He did so, mechanically.

"Commander, I regret to say that I have noticed a drop off in your performance lately."

Chakotay's face felt hot with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Captain, I…"

She held her hand up to stop him, "Please, Commander, allow me to finish. I have found some glaring discrepancies in a few of your reports and there were several shifts left undermanned and worse: unmanned. That coupled with the fact that you are clearly suffering from fatigue, lead me believe that as your Captain, and your friend, I must relieve you of duty."

"I…let me know what they are. I'll correct the omissions immediately."

She stood up and rounded her desk, realizing what she had just done with her phrasing and body language. Sometimes she felt the need to be extremely formal with him, treating him more impersonally than any other crewmember.

"No, Chakotay, no need. I understand. We're only human, and we all need a break," she attempted.

He let loose a breath that passed for a relieved laugh. He felt horribly embarrassed. Making those kinds of errors was not like him at all, but of late, he was experiencing a great deal of discomfort. He was losing sleep, energy and simply had no _joie de vivr__e_.

"Captain, I thought you were 'firing' me," he stated. Part of him wished that she were.

He looked up at the woman before him and awaited disciplinary action.

"Oh no, Commander! Never," she said with her usual force. "I need you by my side for the duration of this trip."

"Great," he thought, sarcastically. If he were relieved of his post, he would no longer be in the Command Structure and perhaps then, he would stand a chance with this woman who he longed to have.

"Maybe she'll be kind and toss me out an airlock," he thought. "It would be easier than being with her every day for many hours without actually being with her."

"Chakotay," she began, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He allowed himself to breathe into her hand, but was painfully aware that they were touching without touching. His heart ached.

"Chakotay, I just want you to take some time off. Now, this seems to be a particularly uneventful stretch of space, as Mr. Paris is always noting." She rolled her eyes. "Perhaps it's time for us to take it easy for awhile."

"Well, I, you also need to rest."

She smiled kindly. "You first." She turned her touch into a sympathetic pat on his broad back in a tiny circular motion, and then rounded the desk again to sit behind it.

"Damnit!" he thought, realizing what her next words would be. "I don't think I can take much more of this. She's sitting right there and she might as well be 100 million light years away."

He must have winced at the thought and she pretended not to notice.

"Let's see," she considered aloud and checked the computer scheduling. "Why don't you take the next three days off? Spend some time on the Holo-Deck; I will authorize some extra time." She smiled with satisfaction and then said the dreaded word: "Dismissed," with a curt nod of her head.

"Yes, Captain," was all he could muster. He left her Ready Room without looking back and headed slowly toward the Turbolift.

"Oh, and Commander."

"Yes, Captain," he responded with only a turn of his head.

"Don't worry about a few clerical errors. I really want you to feel better. You may want to report to the Doctor first, if you will."

She had a nice way of delivering commands that made them sound like suggestions.

"Yes, Captain," he intoned again.

He didn't see a slight quiver of her lower lip as he headed away. He did not realize, but she was being eaten up as well. She steeled her mind against it, yet the thoughts broke through her disciplined mind. With a rush, she imagined his hands on her; the thought was involuntary and fierce. The image was difficult to shake away, but with her stubborn determination and strong will, she pushed the thought away.

She would simply not allow herself to feel love for this man. Under the circumstances, it was impossible, she convinced herself. She would not permit it. She would squelch any and all thoughts of him, like the thought of him touching her, kissing her with the passion she knew he possessed. The ardor of an embrace. The gentleness of a loving touch. The comfort of a strong chest to lean against.

"No!" she said aloud, surprising herself. "No! I cannot have him! I will not think that way!"

And so she locked her heart up in a rusty cage and left it there to whither.

---

Chakotay dragged himself into the Turbolift and requested Sickbay.

"Hello, lover boy!" Q said as he popped into view, directly in front of Chakotay.

"Intruder Alert!" Chakotay squawked immediately as he pounded his Comm-badge. No response.

"You are so very cute. Do we need to go through this every time I visit?"

"Chakotay to the Bridge. Emergency beam out!"

Nothing.

"Is that any way to greet an old friend?"

"Old friend? I can think of lots of words to describe you Q, but 'friend' isn't one of them!"

"Oh! I am cut to the quick!" Q said with melodramatic touch to his heart. "Tsk Tsk. Here I am, after traveling a billion-billion light years just to meddle in your personal life and this is the thanks I get."

"This cannot be good," Chakotay said, almost to himself. "What do you want?"

"Yes it is! It's good! Together, we're going to solve your woman problems. Now, sit down." Q pushed Chakotay into his chair; Q had whisked them into Chakotay's quarters.

"Woman problems?" Chakotay's bold countenance gave way to sadness, and he looked down and sighed. "That is none of your concern."

"I'd say she just needs a little encouragement. You know it really doesn't help that you are so willing to go along with her defenses of "protocol" and "regulations" and "parameters".

"I have to! She's my superior officer."

"Superior?" Q snuffed. "Computers have parameters, Chakotay, not flesh and blood humans!"

"Go away!" Chakotay felt desperate.

"I think she would respond to a little courtship, if done properly." Q told him. "C'mon, ya know you want her, just admit it a little bit, huh?"

"What? No, she's…It's wrong!"

"Really, I don't know what this outfit had come to! Kirk slept with every man, woman and beastie in the Alpha Quadrant and in more than a one parallel universe. What is wrong with your Captain?"

"Maybe, unlike Kirk, she has a sense of responsibility, self-control and some self-esteem!"

"Maybe," he paused and then shook his head said …"Nah! She's just afraid."

"Afraid? She's not afraid of anything."

"Oh yes she is. She's terrified of losing control. That's always a big one for you humans: C-O-N-T-R-O-L."

"That's ridiculous, Q"

"And being a triple type A personality, an over-achiever and a starship Cap-ee-tan all shiny and perfect, 'control' is extra important to her. Colors everything she does."

"You have a vivid imagination."

"Do I really? Humph. I must add, in matters regarding you, my swarthy pal, she is a trembling bowl of yellow gelatinous glop!"

"Me? In matters regarding me?" Chakotay's heartbeat rose a tiny bit at the suggestion. He felt an impulsive sense of hope, despite everything that was happening

"I believe that's what I just said. If she were to have a normal relationship with you, she would have to lose control, at least for a few minutes a day. And more than a few hours a night if we can swing this thing right," Q said suggestively.

"Out with it, Q. What are you up to? What do you want from me?"

"I have a proposal!"

"Oh no! Whatever it is, NO! No! And NO!"

"You'll like this. I have a plan! I am going to take help you woo the woman of your, well OUR dreams!"

Chakotay became more uneasy with each moment. He didn't like that "our" word in there, but he was cornered, treed, and hog-tied, all at once. He could not retreat from Q.

"Look, I don't know what it is you're selling, but whatever it is, I don't care. Get out!"

"In exchange," Q continued, undaunted by the XO's consternation. "I would like…well, you'll see. We'll get to that later," Q said with a Grinch-like smile.

"I won't give you anything, Q!" Chakotay insisted.

"Well, it's not as if you have a choice, is it?"

_tbc__…._


	2. The Loaner

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 2

"You think you can just waltz in here and tamper with people's lives!" Chakotay accused.

Q pretended to think for a moment, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "Well, um, ah…YES!

"You see, for a few days, you and I are going to work together, very closely. We're going to seduce the lofty iron maiden herself!"

"Leave Kathryn out of this!"

Q shook his head. "No. She's in this up to her psychological chastity belt."

"Leave us all alone!"

"Kathryn, is it? When is the last time she allowed you to call her that? She calls you by your name when it suits her."

Chakotay became increasingly emotional; Q had chilled him to his bone marrow with this entire notion.

"I call her that in private," Chakotay said quietly. "She calls me…"

"No you don't! Not anymore!" Q came over to the Commander's side, kneeled on the floor. He placed one fist over another and rested his chin to top, forming an odd totem.

"You can't lie to me, Chakotay," Q told him sincerely. "I know what has happened between the two of you and I just don't like it. It's been worse ever since you came back from that Eden-like planet you called 'New Earth'."

"What is that to you?" Chakotay shouted as he shot out of his chair. "What you like and don't like! Why are you spying on our personal lives?"

Q arose, and regarded the angry Officer. "Well, there's the simple fact that I care about you and this crew."

"What? You care?" Chakotay shook his head in disbelief. "Why do you care?"

"Hmmph. I honestly don't know, but I do. Why do you love Kathryn?"

"I don't…" Chakotay's words caught in his throat.

"Un huh. Got cha! What did I say before, about lying to me?" Q warned, shaking a figure at Chakotay.

"Please, Q, whatever it is you're playing at, please don't do this."

"Oh it'll be fun!"

"Fun!?"

"First, I will need a little 'control' of my own; I'm going to take over your body!"

Chakotay breathed out as if a fist suddenly slammed into his stomach.

"And then we'll see how easy it is to seduce your frosty Starship Captain."

"I'm not going to let you take over my body!" Chakotay ventured. "And I'm certainly not going to let you near Kath…the Captain."

"Who said anything about permission? I'm Q. Didn't you get that memo?"

_tbc__…_


	3. Being Chakotay

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 3

Rated: T

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Q approached the hapless human and placed a hand on his shoulder. Chakotay felt like a fly glued to a web: still alive but watching his captor approach weilding a lethal fang drenched with poison.

Q regarded Chakotay's body as if it were a new suit he was about to don. He placed one hand on Chakotay's shoulder and the other on his stomach. Chakotay's body no longer obeyed his own will; he was paralyzed.

"Have you been putting on weight? We'll work on that over the next few days."

"Q…don't…don't do this," he pleaded and tried in vain to make his body back away. "If it was just me, I wouldn't care…You can do what you want with me. But, not Kathryn. You can't…"

"Hush! That's enough!" Q whispered like a father comforting a frightened child.

Before Chakotay could object further, he felt a warm light envelop him. His fear, his tension ebbed away. He even felt slightly euphoric. He melted into the background, as though he were merely an observer of his own life and body.

"There! That wasn't so bad, was it?" Q said into a mirror, posing and looking at his handy work.

No response.

Q turned around and examined his prize in the mirror. Immediately Chakotay's body changed with Q's invasion. He ran strong hands over Chakotay's broad chest, and smoothed the uniform. He breathed deeply, savoring the feeling of the mortal shell and all the sensations and possibilities it brought. He appeared rejuvenated in stark contrast to his recent exhaustion and dispirited attitude. He was somehow taller, infused with attitude and charisma.

"My word, Chakotay, but you are pretty!" Q breathed. "If I were you, I would install a revolving door on my quarters and invite…"

"But, you're not me!" Chakotay insisted. "And, you have one thing to do and it does not involve rampant promiscuity."

Was it the tilt of his head, his bearing, his poise, the stamina? Renewed verve coursed through his veins and invigorated his limbs. The most striking difference: Q projected immense self-satisfaction. Chakotay did not exude ego saturation, being a humble, introspective, spiritual man.

Chakotay looked into his own dark eyes but Q looked back at him. Q's eyes belied mischief, not evil, but it was difficult to look into them. Chakotay shuddered inside. He could no longer see himself inside his own body.

"Now, was the transfer so bad?" Q prompted again."Mmm?"

"No! It wasn't," Chakotay admitted reluctantly. "I still don't know exactly what you hope to accomplish with this ruse."

"You will. Just sit tight and watch the Master at work."

"You a master? A master of what?" Chakotay scoffed.

"Love, my dear friend. Oh, I like that a lot: Q, The Love Master!"

Q laughed as Chakotay watched helplessly from a distance.

Q paused for a moment of realization and then the smile broke again. He snapped his fingers, and summoned a tray of delicacies from throughout time and space. Carefully he poured the finest Champagne into a crystal flute, making certain not a drop went astray. He sipped the sparkly draft as if it were the elixir of life.

With a delicate latinum spoon, he scooped the Valgeerium Wigworm Roe into his mouth and savored it slowly. He thrust himself face first into tangy Tholian version of Roquefort cheese. He lapped every crumb of the Loriannine Rough Bread. Soon he inhaled a vast platter of fine comestibles, causing him to feel finally the limitations of living as flesh. He barely made it to the sink to relieve the overflow.

"I thought you were going to slim me down," Chakotay said quietly from within. "Is this the way you keep your promises?"

"Just a temporary setback," Q told him. "I think you look good on me, don't you?"

Chakotay watched his own mouth speak words from a smiling face in the tinted mirror. The two beings had melded for a moment in the transfer. Chakotay felt no malice from his captor, no evil intent. In fact, he suddenly realized exactly what Q was trying to do, though he still could not fathom the reason. He was also uncertain as to what method Q would use. After that impulsive ravenous feast, Chakotay worried. If Q exhibited no self-control over a platter of food, how would he deal with even more temptations of the flesh?

The Commander saw his own image from a new perspective. He had been ignoring the issue but he really had put on a some Ell-Bees over the recent months. Quite a few diplomatic meetings replete with lavish repasts; a welcome relief from Leola Root Casserole, Leola Root Loaf, Leola Root with Leola Surprise and Fried Leola Root with Powdered Sugar for dessert. What's more, he was lonely and bored, and food could be a diversion though a poor substitute for that which he truly craved—Kathryn's love.

"We'll have to fix this hair!" Q said, as Chakotay's hand brushed the side of his scalp. "Are you trying to look younger? It doesn't work; you just look like a cartoon character. We'll get that gorgeous grey back in here. You know, she really liked that!"

"What?" Chakotay felt his virtual cheeks redden at the revelation. He really did not even know what Kathryn wanted in a lover, what she found attractive. She was a mystery to him as many women are to men.

"Of course, the tattoo is a big turn on too, so maybe we just accentuate it a tad. Pull in this waist line. Get you some new clothes and a horse." Q put an arm in the air in ham actor style. "My Q-dom for a horse."

Chakotay shook his head, or whatever it was that passed for his head in this limbo world.

"My tattoo means a lot to me, Q," Chakotay said plaintively. "Please don't…"

"Don't worry. No permanent damage; that's my motto!" Q smiled, using Chakotay's charming dimples to the fullest extent of the law.

"What would I…you do with a horse?"

"Are you going to be fretting and worrying throughout this whole process?" Q asked. "You are going to need a little patience."

"That's fine coming from you!"

"Don't you have an ounce of romance behind this pretty face?" Q put his hand to Chakotay's chin and regarded the jaw line, checked the profile. "Mmm…big ears, though."

Chakotay had not seen himself smile fully for a long time and Q was beaming, grinning from ear to ear, perhaps thinking up convoluted schemes.

Then Chakotay panicked. This would have to end. Chakotay tried to reach for a book, and could not. He tried to turn around, move his limbs, and shake his head, all to no avail.

He made a valiant effort to resist Q, but found he had no power to affect the physical world or over-ride Q's control. He was trapped, a prisoner inside his own body. How far would Q take this and what could he possibly do to stop him from harming Kathryn?

Ah, Kathryn. He liked the sound of her name. He should have admitted to himself at least that he only used her name in the privacy of his own mind. He thought of her all the time; she was an obsession. He watched her command the ship, issue orders and make their lives a little bit better with every move. He loved being near her, though it was always heart breaking.

She frequently touched him and every time it took all he could do not to draw her to him and kiss her desperately. In some ways, he wished she would not touch him any longer. In some ways, he relished her touch as the only physical connection. He thought that beggars could not be choosers.

"Beggar?" Q interrupted Chakotay's thoughts. "Is that what you are? Well, we'll see who will be begging at the end of this week." Q cast a knowing grin at Chakotay by way of the mirror.

Chakotay was worried, but he was also powerless.

"Look, Chakotay," Q said with understanding. "Give me one week. One week of control and see what happens."

Chakotay realized something. Was Q actually asking for this instead of telling?

"I thought you said that you didn't need 'permission' and you could take whatever you wanted."

"Ah, well, I can lie sometimes too," Q admitted. "OK, my actions are always carefully watched, by the, well 'You Know Who'. I can do whatever I please, but then again, I can't."

"So, if I were to tell you right now to leave my body and go away, you would have to go?"

"Well…mmm…uh…" Q whined. "Yes, but if you did, you would never know."

"Know what?"

"Know whether or not a little 'divine', omnipotent intervention could bring the woman you love willingly into your waiting arms."

_tbc…_


	4. A Few Conditions

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 4

Feedback is greatly appreciated.

-------------------------

"Will she still have the ability to choose?" Chakotay asked. "Will she have free will?"

"Oh, yes, of course, if that's important!" Q promised sincerely.

"I don't want any love spells, hocus pocus or whatever it is that you do."

"It's a point of pride for me! I never coerce anyone to do something they don't want to do! Besides, her love for you is not the issue here."

_"Did I get that right?"_ Chakotay thought, his hopes soaring in his being. "_Did he just say something about her love for me?"_

Q stood in front of Chakotay in a limbo world. Chakotay was sitting with his hands on his head, ruing the situation. He was making supplication for spirit intervention; he had nowhere else to turn.

Q stood over him and held out a cluster of parchment sheets. Fine decorative print covered the aged paper. Elaborate illumination made the folio resemble pages ripped from the Book of Kells. Q proffered a giant, bird-of-paradise quill pen to Chakotay. The sharpened tip dripped with golden ink. An image of Kathryn smiled from the top of the paper. Spirits, she was beautiful.

"Am I going to regret this?" Chakotay said with resignation.

"There's only one way to find the answer."

"A few conditions."

"Name them."

"You don't hurt Kathryn, or anyone else on this ship, or anyone else at all."

"Done." Q said quickly. "I'm not going to hurt anyone! Have I ever hurt anyone?" Q asked the air. "No, I don't think that I ever have. I'm not planning any murder and mayhem in the near future. Next objection?"

"Am I signing my soul away?" Chakotay asked, almost in jest.

"What on Jupiter would I do with your soul, Chakotay?"

"No being in this Universe or beyond does anything without wanting something in return!" Chakotay burst out. "You even said you wanted something! What is it you want?"

"Good grief! I went through this with Picard! Maybe you read that report, or maybe you didn't, but I'm completely altruistic in these matters."

"I don't believe you!"

"Oh, OK, there is a small price to pay. Feel better?"

"I knew it!"

"Don't get carried away. It's nothing like a soul or even a pound of flesh."

"What is it, then?"

Q's withdrew and turned away. His jaunty attitude vanished with his projected form, shrouded in a ragged cloak of shadow. He became transparent and then seemed to evaporate, folding into a vapor.

_tbc…_


	5. A Small Request

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 5

Feedback is greatly appreciated.

------------------------------

Then the dark mood dissipated and Q merely said, "A kiss," quietly from the mist, as if he were asking for a couple of replicator rations.

"What?"

"You heard me. I want to kiss her," Q popped back, bolder than ever.

Chakotay glared in disbelief. "You want to…"

"Your first kiss. Just the one. Once. In human form. In a form that she wants to kiss. And then I'll leave you to it. I trust you'll know what to do from there without too much prompting," Q grinning knowingly. "You can let your hormones run feral. Wouldn't you like that?"

Chakotay's heart raced or rather, whatever it was that felt like his heart started to beat with hope. Could it be true? Could she want him just as much as he wanted her?

"What will your life be without her, Chakotay? Isn't it worth risking everything you have to finally have her?"

"I don't have much," Chakotay admitted. Tears started to well in his virtual eyes. Q certainly knew how to pierce straight through whatever flimsy psychic armor Chakotay possessed.

"Aren't you tired of living the way that you have? At arm's length? Are you willing to live like this for seventy years or until Rock of Gibraltar Janeway crumbles to dust?"

Chakotay slumped as a sense of numbness passed over him. His mind raced as he tried to consider the ramifications of what he was about to do. What did he learn at the Academy? Think! Think fast! What was it? Something about the Kobayashi Maru…and Captain Kirk.

"This is as far from the No-Win Scenario that you can get, I promise you."

Q's mind reading was unsettling. Chakotay felt as if malicious vines grew up and entangled him, threatening to enmesh his existence in Q's bizarre scheme.

Q had revealed one thing: even a Q had limits to his caprice. He couldn't simply toy with them forever, could he? What did forever mean to a Q?

"How will I know you will abide by your promises? What's to keep you from taking my body until it dies?"

"Eww! Chakotay, you're a nice specimen, but just like your soul, I don't want your body forever! I only want it for a few days, say maybe a week of time after you are 'rested'," Q informed him.

"What then? What's to stop you?" Chakotay demanded.

"The short answer is, 'The Q Continuum'. You remember them? A whole consortium of stuffy, rule-oriented, rigid, small-minded…"

He paused, considered his captive, and interjected, "You would like them, now that you're 'Fleet again."

Then he continued. "…inflexible, unyielding omnipotent beings who could wipe out the Universe with a single sneeze. Anyway, you have your directives; I have mine."

Chakotay couldn't run or hide from this being, but he was being given a choice, such as it was. He could send Q away right now and risk never being able to love Kathryn in the way he wanted, no, _needed_. Or he could accept Q's insane proposal, possibly damning both himself and Kathryn to some Q guarded version of Hell. Or he could accept and have exactly what he wanted. He hoped she really did want him as well, or this would all be for nothing.

"Now, sign! This offer is about to expire and it won't come again." Q told him with a touch of impatience in his voice. "Do you want your Kathryn or not?"

_tbc__…_


	6. Cat Bird Seat

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 6 thru end

The Turbolift doors whooshed apart revealing Q/Chakotay's silhouette for the Bridge crew to behold. They each felt that something had been altered but without conscious realization. None of them knew that the others were also aware of this odd feeling.

Tuvok's eyebrow shot up as he sensed the electricity in the air. Tom suddenly felt pins and needles rush quickly over his skin. The sensation was finished in a split second. He turned around to his Captain with an inquiring look. His eye caught the dashing figure, standing in the door. It was only Chakotay, entering the Bridge as he had done many times before. Tom shook off his feelings, taking it as an odd passing mood or a sensation caused by working too hard. He had been taking too many shifts in Sickbay in addition to his piloting work. He ignored it and turned to face the helm.

Q/C stood for a second at the portal, milking the pregnant moment, adding to the feeling of suspense. Captain Janeway turned and smiled, happy that her First Officer was returning to duty. She was standing near the helm, conferring with Tom about scheduling.

As he sauntered onto the bridge, Q/C held his head high. His gait was brisk and purposeful with no evidence of his previous fatigue.

"Good Morning, Commander," Janeway greeted a she turned toward him. "Good to have you back."

He smiled at her rather than respond, casting a smoldering glance at her. She felt a change at a subconscious level.

Q/C actually swaggered on the bridge. Each person turned toward him and began to stare. Their eyes followed him as he meandered throughout the room, checking in with each station.

Tuvok looked indifferent when Q/C nodded at his work with approval. His Vulcan telepathic abilities set on alert status, even though no mind meld was involved. He knew more keenly than any one that something was amiss.

Harry stiffened a bit as the Commander approached. This was unusual. Chakotay did not often hover and inspect. He did that only as needed and usually when a station needed help.

"At ease, Harry," he said with a jovial air. Q/C smiled and looked over the nervous Ensign's work. "Looks ship shape, Mr. Kim. Good job!" He gave Harry a series of robust pats on the back leaving him confused and smarting slightly.

"Thank you, Sir," Harry said, as his hair flopped out of place.

"Stop it, Q!" Chakotay insisted. "You're not acting like me at all!"

"Quiet!" Q/C said under his breath to his captive.

"Did you say something, Commander?" Harry asked.

"I was just noting how quiet it is on the Bridge," Q/C covered. "I guess I'll have to shake things up a bit before everyone falls asleep."

"Yes, Sir," responded a puzzled Harry.

He glanced around, looking entirely too pleased with himself then approached the Helm and stood close to Janeway. She did not realize she had been scrutinizing him so thoroughly. He was an attractive man, of that she was painfully aware. An attractive man who was attracted to her. What could be simpler? What could be more complicated?

"Well, Commander, it appears the rest has done you some good," she beamed. "I'm surprised to see you back so soon."

Then she noticed touches of grey in his usually raven black hair. "Have you…?" She began. "Never mind," she stopped herself. "I…you do seem somehow more than rested."

"I feel wonderful. I haven't felt this good in years, have I?" Q asked his captive. "I discovered an interesting Holonovel and I enjoyed it. Yes, I enjoyed it quite a bit."

He coyly looked down and then up and fluttered his dark lashes as he flashed her his most charming smile. He drew himself closer to her, brushing his strong shoulder against hers. He locked his eyes to hers and spoke in breathy tones. "I think it would do you some good as well, my dear. I'd like you to join me later."

"'My dear?'" Chakotay objected. "I would never presume…"

She looked away as quickly as possible, realizing that a flush had heated her cheeks. "I, uh, Commander…" she composed herself, tugging on her uniform down as if it had somehow been mussed.

"Do you have plans for this evening?" he persisted, running his dark eyes over her body.

"Commander, don't you think you should take it easy for awhile longer?"

"An evening with you would revive anyone," he leered. "I'll make dinner and clear some holo-time." He made a simple sentence sound suggestive, yet Katherine found herself mesmerized.

Q/C slowly stroked his hands as he spoke, as if he were touching a lover. Finally, he reached over and took her hand. Janeway flushed with the intimacy of the gesture.

"Wouldn't you like help me to recover?" he whispered, flashing his engaging smile.

"Q! You are making me nauseous!" Chakotay told him in disgust.

Tom was facing his console, but his senses continued to signal to him that something interesting was happening. One side of his mouth lifted in a knowing smirk. Maybe the old boy would finally make his move and wouldn't that be fun to watch. He perked up his ears, hoping for some juicy conversation.

"Commander, perhaps…" she cleared her throat and shook herself to reality. She wanted to turn him down. She wanted to call him to her Ready Room and dress him down. No, she did not mean it that way! She wanted to do something. To run or hide. But, had he done anything wrong that she could quantify? Was holding her hand against regulations?

"I'll come by your quarters at 18 hundred, Kathryn," he told her simply, his voice deep and arousing. "I promise you an evening to remember."

She watched his perfect profile as he turned away to study the main view screen, but she neither accepted nor rejected his…what was it? It was not a request; he had simply told her what she would be doing that evening.

She wanted to turn him down, put him in his place, but she could not. She was also aware that her officers' were staring at the two of them, while pretending to be working.

….

_tbc__…_


	7. The Crew Talks

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 7

Rated: T

Hard cut to Sandrines….

-----

"Then he leaned closer to her, and whispered something in her ear."

"They do that a lot, Tom," B'Elanna informed him, as she chose her next shot. "They're probably conferring about some boring personnel matter or stultifying status report."

"No. No. Not like this. They don't do ship's business this way!

"She was grinning from ear to ear and seemed to enjoy what he was saying." Tom's lowered his voice and the gaggle of friends leaned toward him as he motioned for them to come closer. He looked around, making sure no one else heard. "I think I even heard her giggle!"

"That's impossible! Captain Janeway does not 'giggle'!" B'Elanna stated as if her Captain required a defense, but she began to smile.

"It gets better," Harry whispered. "Tom couldn't see them, because they were behind him, but he put his hand on hers. More than once!"

"No way!" Megan Delaney said, her eyes widening.

"What did she do?" Jenny Delaney prompted, hoping for some more juicy tidbits.

"She seemed surprised at first, then left it under his hand for a moment."

"And?" the twins prompted in unison.

"Well, she finally, as casually as possible, drew her hand away, but that was only the first time. She didn't pull it her hand back any time that he did it for the rest of the shift. You had to see it!"

"You know how she's always got a hand on him, his chest, his arm?" Harry began.

"Yeah, I never liked that," B'Elanna said, as she sank another ball. "I feel bad for him. I know how he feels about her and it's got to hurt."

"Well, don't worry about him because he was doing it right back to her. He even had his hand on the small of her back!" Harry informed the eager gang.

"Perhaps the old man will finally get his backbone re-attached," B'Elanna smirked, sinking another ball.

"Maybe he'll get some other parts re-attached as well," Tom cracked.

"Tom!" B'Elanna scolded as Tom hugged her from behind.

"Ah, _mes __chéris_, is _amour_ at last in the air for our stunning Command couple? _Enfin! __Enfin! __Finally!__ Il __est __si__ beau! __Non__"_ Sandrine said, passing drinks to the group.

"_Oui_, Sandrine, _il__ a lieu __vraiment__ au __sujet__ de temps!_ It really is about time!" Megan agreed with a smile as she accepted her multi-colored drink from Sandrine. "_Merci!_"

"Oh, not a moment too soon! _Je suis si heureuse! _I am so happy!" Sandrine exclaimed and moved on to mingle and gossip with the other crewmembers and holograms.

"What?" Megan said to her friends, puzzled by the French. "I like French. Universal Translators are no fun all the time! Especially with holograms."

"Sheesh!" Jenny said. "I've seen them flirt over the years, but nothing like that. Have you seen the way they always stare at each other when they think the other one isn't looking?"

"Oh, yeah!" B'Elanna agreed as she sunk a ball. "They used to cause quite a ruckus in Engineering. But, then after the time the spent together alone, it's been like someone opened a cryogenics tube."

"Yeah, frosty! Brrrrr!" Harry mimed to the enjoyment of the group.

"OK. I'm taking bets," Tom told them. "You can use replicator rations and/or Holo-time. When do you think they'll _really_ get together?"

The group didn't respond, but watched Tuvok as he walked up behind the unwitting Helmsman.

tbc….

---- --- -

OK. I said I wasn't going to post this so fast, but I'm lovin' it and want to share it! Hope you're enjoying the reading as much as I'm enjoying writing it! Please, let me know you're out there! Thanks for your support, the ones who have R&R!


	8. Tuvok's Raises an Eyebrow

The Q Must Be Crazy

Part 8

Rated T: Sexual innuendo

_Watch me as I murder three languages in one story, no hands, Ma!_

_Thanks for all the R keeps me going!_

_- - - __- When we last left our gossiping __gaggle of gallant space heroes:_

"OK. I'm taking bets," Tom told them. "You can use replicator rations and/or Holo-time. When do you think they'll really get together?"

The group didn't respond, but gaped helplessly at Tuvok as he walked up behind the unwitting Helmsman.

- - - - - - - - -

"I do not think such an activity is advisable for ship's personnel, Mr. Paris," Tuvok informed him levelly. "Gambling is strictly forbidden by Starfleet regulations. As a member of Senior Staff, it is your charge to set an example."

Tom squeezed his eyes shut and grit his teeth as if he just heard a rusty nail scrape across a chalk board. "Yes, Sir," he responded, from the wrong side of regulations. It _would_ have to be Tuvok who snared him in the middle of that little escapade. Tom felt as if his Dad had just caught him stealing a cookie from the dessert tray.

"If you are discussing the recent behavior of Commander Chakotay…"

"We're sorry, Tuvok. We'll stop." B'Elanna offered. "We all really care about them both."

"As do I. Please, Lieutenant Torres, allow me to finish. If you are discussing the Commander, I too have noticed a drastic and marked alteration in his manner. I am concerned."

"Wow!" Tom exclaimed, leaning on his cue. "I didn't know you had it in you, Tuvok."

"Do not confuse my concern with emotion, Mr. Paris," Tuvok added. "Behavioral aberrations observed in any crewmember, especially Senior Staff can be a sign of many things, all of which can be detrimental to the crew and ship. I would ask all of you to be alert in the event any more unusual behavior patterns."

"Mr. Tuvok," Tom ventured. "With all due respect, perhaps Chakotay has finally decided to…"

"To mate with the Captain?" Tuvok finished.

Harry suddenly snuffed and sputtered his drink out through his nose.

Jenny and Megan visibly shuddered. "Eww! When you say it like that, it's like thinking about your parents," one of them said.

B'Elanna and Harry stifled their snickers.

"As to the mating ritual, that possibility had crossed my mind," Tuvok continued, not acknowledging the reactions he had just elicited.

"Of course it did," Tom said.

"That would be a beneficial outcome," Tuvok said levelly. "It would at least be a natural occurrence."

"It would? Mr. Tuvok, you are full of surprises today!" Tom said. "But, are you suggesting we might be dealing with something more sinister?"

"'Sinister' is perhaps a melodramatic choice of words, however, yes, I suspect that something…unnatural is occurring here."

A pall came over the previously jovial group.

"I will ask that you all be vigilant and cautious in matters regarding the Commander. Note any more unusual behavior and report it immediately and directly to me and only to me. Use discretion. Any detail, no matter how small may be of great significance."

"Yes, Sir," they each agreed.

"Very well. Please carry on," Tuvok paused, raised an eyebrow and glared at Tom. "Without the extracurricular endeavor, if you will, Mr. Paris."

"Yes, Sir," Tom agreed sheepishly.

When Tuvok left the Holodeck the group broke into laughter.

"He always knew how to suck the oxygen out a room!" B'Elanna said through a laugh.

"Straight out the airlock!" Jenny added.

"Did he just ask for what I think he asked for?" Harry asked.

"You mean, is he looking for any juicy bits of gossip?" Tom added, grinning with satisfaction.

"'Any detail, no matter how small may be of great significance,'" Megan quoted emulating Tuvok to the delight of her companions.

"Well, let's give the man what he wants!" Tom urged. "As a member of senior staff, I say let's all keep our eyes peeled."

"No problem! I don't think there's a single person on this ship who isn't observing and talking about them," Harry said.

_tbc__…_

- - - - - -

_Languages in the__se__ section__s__ are courtesy of Alta Vista's __BabelFish. __If they are incorrect, sorry! __But__, they are a function of using a__ real life universal translator, which is __kinda__ cool, even it's not perfect._


	9. A Romantic Tale & Enter El Diablo

The Q Must Be Crazy

Part 9

Rated T: Sexual innuendo

--- --- --- ---

_Thank you, so much, my dear reviewers! You keep me going! Are you __sure__ you want to encourage this behavior? If so, read on!_

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Well, you can all laugh, but I think it's romantic," Megan Delaney said, with a dreamy look, as if she were seeing through the hull to a distant star.

"Oh really? How so?" Tom asked with skepticism.

"Are you kidding? It's a romance for the ages!" Jenny defended.

"Do you know what she's talking about, Harry?" Tom asked.

"Not a clue," Harry replied dryly as he rounded the table for a shot.

"No surprise there, Harry," Megan jibed.

"Ha ha," Harry mugged.

"Think of it," Megan began. "The stunning Starship Captain, pursues the Renegade Freedom Fighter across space to capture him, bring him to justice. When they meet, he proves himself a brave and righteous man."

"In the flutter of a heartbeat they fall hopelessly in love," Jenny continued, not missing a step. "Neither of them will admit it, not even to themselves."

"Oh, brother!" Tom groaned.

"Here we go again," moaned Harry as he lost the game to Tom.

"Go on, ladies," B'Elanna prompted. "Pay no attention to them. I never do." She grinned.

Megan climbed up on the pool table and continued to paint a verbal picture to entertain the group. Jenny joined her, knowing exactly what was coming.

"He's the Badlands Bad Boy, fallen out of favor with the mighty and powerful Federation," Megan announced.

"She's the Upright, Uptight, Prim and Proper Ship's Captain, the model of righteousness. Ne'er the twain shall meet!" Jenny added.

"Do you two rehearse this stuff?" Harry prodded.

"Shhh!" B'Elanna hushed.

Megan's turn. "But, then," both twins clapped their hands in unison. "He sweeps her into his arms."

And Jenny. "She resists at first. 'No, no, Chakotay! You can never have me. I am pure and virtuous. You represent all that is bad. I cannot give myself to you.'"

Harry covered his mouth, trying not to wail too loud with laughter. Tom was holding his stomach, as he doubled over with hilarity. Even Ayala had joined with the laughing male contingent.

The twins continued to trade off, recounting their outlandish version of the legend of the Command Romance.

"He says, 'My dearest one, I was lost on a vain quest, but now I have seen heaven in your eyes."

Jenny put the back of her hand on her head in a silent film star 'woe is me' gesture. "She says, 'No, no, my beautiful temptation. We must never act on the love we feel!'"

"He says, 'Redeem me, my love! For you have captured me and imprisoned my heart for all time.'"

"She says, 'Hush, for I have naught but duty and responsibility! I must not give into your wiles.'"

"He says, 'I will follow you anywhere; my will is not my own. I belong to you. If I must, I will love you 'pure and chaste from afar. I am your prisoner and only your love can free this lost and lonely soul! Only you can rescue me from the Pit of Despair, the Slough of Despond. Take my hand my love, kiss me and together we can both be saved. If you do not, I shall surely waste away, languish as I pine for the only one I have ever or shall ever love.'"

They ended with a melodramatic sweep of their arms and then jumped down, taking bows as the crew laughed and clapped.

Tom and Harry finally allowed their laughter to erupt completely, earning them glares from B'Elanna and a few other female crewmembers who were enjoying the impromptu show from the sidelines.

"_Bonne!__ Bonne_, _ma __chère__s __fille__s_ Jenn-ee _et_ Megan!" Sandrine cheered and clapped. "_Vous __tous__ les __deux __avez__ le __coeur __d'une__ femme __française! _The heart of a French woman!"

When Sandrine and the other holograms moved on, Jenny told the female group, "We weren't serious, girls. Hey Tom, you're not the only historic literature buff on this ship. I think it would make a great holonovel."

"My favorite kind!" Tom guffawed, wiping tears from his eyes. "Comedy!"

"I think it's sweet," B'Elanna announced as she punched Tom's arm.

"Ouch! Jenny, Megan, I bow to superior historical knowledge," he told them all, his face flushed with laughter. "You know your High Ancient Schmaltz!"

"I'll deal with you later," Tom mock-warned B'Elanna.

"Oh, you think so, do you?" B'Elanna said as she kissed the jovial Helmsman, then nipped his ear. He was looking forward to a wonderful night with her.

Suddenly every man, woman and hologram stopped, frozen in their tracks as the portal whooshed open. Smiles drooped to open mouthed gapes. The bell-like clinks of glasses silenced and even the holo-smoke appeared to stand still as if the very atmosphere in the room could not believe the sight before it.

Chakotay's body was in silhouette and he was clearly out of uniform. Seven was on his right arm, visibly intoxicated. Chakotay knew better than to give her real alcohol. Ensign Brooks, clung to his left arm. Her outfit revealed some non-regulation décolletage. She enjoyed herself quite a bit. Seven traced Q/C's moustache and tiny goatee with her long finger as she stared into his eyes. Q/C playfully kissed her fingertips. Both women giggled as they entered the Holodeck with him.

"Ladies, if you will excuse me, I have a game to win."

"Ah! Chakotay…" they pouted. "We want to be with you."

"Well, alright, you can watch, dear ladies. You both like to watch, don't you?" he said with a leer.

_tbc__…_


	10. Diablo May Care

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 10

_T: Sexual innuendo_

------ ---- --- --

"You are completely ruining my reputation! I will never live this down," Chakotay objected from inside his own body. "We…I…you have a date with Kathryn! She will not like being stood up!"

"I told you to put a lid on it, Chakotay! I know what I'm doing!" Q said, as silently as possible, covering for his speech with a bright smile, like a ventriloquist.

The girls giggled a bit more and then moved over to the bar with some other crew, all of whom were staring at their First Officer.

"Commander!" Tom addressed him, a little too loud, startled by Chakotay's costume and attitude.

"At ease, Tom," He drawled easily. "We're off duty."

"I can see that," Tom commented and looked his bedecked XO up and down from head to toe, the way they all were.

"Oh, this old thing?" Q/C demurred. "Just a little something from my favorite holonovel."

"When did you start indulging in holonovels, Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked without receiving an answer. "And when did you start dressing like a Zorro or a matador or whatever the heck you are?"

Q/C turned to her, slowly, smiling a satisfied grin. "You are looking delicious this evening, B'Elanna," he noted suggestively. "Then again," he breathed in through his teeth, "you always do."

"Huh?" was all she could muster.

Q/C's tight fitting garments gloved his body, accentuating and revealing musculature he had not had for over a year. A brocade vest hugged his broad chest and billowing white sleeves fluttered around strong arms. The ruffles on the front of his shirt parted just enough to reveal the top of his pectoral muscles.

His dark hair was longer and brushed down, as if it were windblown. It no longer stood up on end as if it were at attention. Light glinted off a few well-chosen grey strands. His skin appeared deeper, a richer, healthier tan. Gone were the dark circles that he had sported over the last few months.

"Well, it's ah…different," B'Elanna said, clearing her throat. "Are those spurs on your boots?"

Q/C smiled in such a way that made B'Elanna feel weak in the knees. Megan and Jenny flushed as "Chakotay" kissed their hands in turn.

"Oo-la-la, _mon conquérant!"_ Sandrine squealed and rushed to his side. "My conquistador!"

"Ah, Sandrine, you are the picture of exquisiteness, as always," Q/C said while kissing her hand gallantly. He kept her hand, held it to his chest, and rubbed it gently with his thumb. "You are a credit to women everywhere."

"Oh! Oh, Cha-Ko-tay! _Vous êtes si doux!"_ Sandrine stuttered, placing her free hand on her reddened cheeks.

_"Merci, ma petite chou!" _Q/C called her with deep tones._ "Mon, vous êtes une belle femme!"_ he told her with lust in his dark eyes, breathing deeply.

"Oh, I..I…I did not know, you spoke French, _monsieur_."

"It is the language of passion. How could I not!"

When he finally released her, Sandrine stumbled away in a daze, staring at the hand, her hand, the hand HE had held for a few moments.

"I've come down to win a few replicator rations," Q/C told Tom without a trace of hesitation. "I'll take all you have, Tom!"

"Oh. Is that so?" Tom asked, in disbelief.

Chakotay was an adequate casual player, but he was not in Tom's class by a long shot. For a while in his checkered past, Tom spent some serious time hustling pool for a living. Chakotay rarely took a game from him and Tom enjoyed quite a few evenings with B'Elanna in romantic holodeck settings on Chakotay's tab.

"Harry, rack 'em up for us." Q/C told him, with a jaunty lilt of his head.

"Uh, yeah, uh, sure," Harry finally blurted out.

B'Elanna sidled up to Q/C. Chakotay, her old friend—and just a friend—was now making her pulse quicken with this display of raw sexuality. She could not help herself. Both her human and Klingon sides were responding to his…his…whatever it was that he was doing.

"What has gotten into you?" she demanded. "Have you got Romulan ale you're not sharing or is it alien aphrodisiacs hidden in a secret place?"

He turned to the lovely Klingon and spoke to her closely in soft tones with bedroom eyes.

"Mmm…yes, I do like secret places," he oozed. "No, B'Elanna. I'm simply feeling better," Q/C informed her. "You hair looks lovely, my dear. What have you done differently?"

"I…I…What have I….What have _you_ done?" she demanded, thinking back to Tuvok's orders. What if this was a result of alien manipulation?

"Not enough and I'll always regret that. You know, we haven't spent enough time together lately," Q/C told her. "Perhaps you and I can share some Holodeck time, just the two of us. I have just the program in mind."

He reached up and gently brushed a strand of hair back from her lovely face.

Her heart rate doubled and she forgot herself. She was seriously considering his offer, after all Chakotay was her oldest friend, when Tom wedged himself between the two of them.

"Oh, dee lover jealous!" Sandrine said in the background. "It is the same story, from the beginning of time!"

"Look, Chakotay, I don't know what you're playing at, but B'Elanna is with me, aren't you?"

"Ah…." was all B'Elanna could manage. She felt woozy.

"Of course, Tom! I wouldn't dream of interfering, would I, B'Elanna?" He whispered her name and looked at her with sheer lust in his eyes. He made very word sound dirty and tempting. "We're simply old friends, that's all. Perhaps you could join us, Tom. I'd like that. A lot."

"That's enough, Q!" Chakotay wailed from inside. "You cannot proposition everyone on the ship and especially not Tom!"

"Of course I can. I told you that this would be fun." Q said quietly. "Now, hush up!"

"What did you say?" Tom asked, puzzled by his Commander's asides.

"I'm sure B'Elanna would enjoy you, I mean, your company, as much as I would," Q/C said, laying it on as thick as he could.

Tom's chest was revealing his rising anger.

"Not today, Commander!" Tom said, more harshly than he would have liked. "Are you going to let me win your replicator rations or stand here making a fool out of yourself with every woman in the room?"

Q/C smiled and looked down as if to say, "who me?"

"Tom, I'm surprised at you, being jealous of B'Elanna and me like that!" Q/C smiled lasciviously. He moved close to Tom and put his hand on his shoulder. "I wouldn't want you to feel excluded. How about you break, and let bygones be bygones. What d'ya say?"

"B'Elanna, why don't you get us some drinks?" Tom said, pushing his spellbound girlfriend aside. "I have some balls to break. Later, you and I are going to have a wonderful dinner on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet thanks to the Commander."

"We'll see about that, Tom," Q/C said, his dimpled grin igniting a fire in every girl's bosom in the room.

"I think I'm going to enjoy this!" Tom said, to no one in particular.

_tbc…_

_With apologies to the creators of El Diablo, but only if they are sorry for not giving Mr. __Devil__ enough screen time!_


	11. Lead Me Into Temptation!

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 11

_Rating: __T__(Movie R) __Warning__: sexual innuendo__, intense, erotic flirting_

- - - - - --

Q/C allowed the first game slide to Tom, who strutted with great satisfaction as he sunk the winning ball. Between shots, Q/C never stopped kissing hands, making eyes and intoning suggestive words in whispers to every woman—real or hologramatic—in Sandrines.

"Say, Tom," Q/C began. "Playing for rations and holo-time is all well and good, but why don't we make this a little more interesting?"

Tom narrowed his eyes, evaluating Chakotay the way he would any other mark.

"More interesting, Chakotay?" Tom knew better than to rise to that challenge, having worked that angle a million times, but he just couldn't stop himself. "What did you have in mind?" Tom said as he easily sank another winning ball and tied their contest, two to two in best of five. If he won the next round, he would take the game and greatest of all, he would put Chakotay in his place.

"It's true, I have lost touch with my old friend there," he said motioning his head toward B'Elanna, who was busy gossiping about Chakotay with her friends. "I just want to spend some time with her and catch up."

"So, you want to take B'Elanna on a date?" Tom asked with acid in his voice.

"Oh, no, of course not!" Q/C insisted. "I just would like to have a quiet dinner with her. Give us some quality time in a relaxed setting, say one with waterfalls and hot springs."

"What are you doing, Q!" Chakotay said within.

"Hmm. When I win, what will you give me?" Tom asked.

"Holodeck time and Replicator Rations for a year."

"No!" came a wan voice that only Q could hear. "I will not gamble for B'Elanna as if she were a green Orion Slave girl!"

There was an audible gasp in the room. Even the spartan First Officer would be hard pressed for a year without those little indulgences.

Chakotay was in despair. "What have I done?" he asked himself. "Q, how is this supposed to bring Kathryn into my arms?"

"Watch the Master and learn," Q told Chakotay aloud.

"So, you're The Master now, Chakotay?" Tom asked, his emotions rising as Q/C blew a shot. Tom knew he could finish this!

Tom leaned over to Chakotay so that B'Elanna would not hear. "You're on!" was all he said.

Q/C smiled a knowing grin and ran a hand over his tight black leather slacks.

Throughout the game, the Delaney sisters and everyone else were staring at their First Officer. His hair was tousled, as if he had just gotten out of bed with a 'special friend'. The light caught his billowing white sleeves as he started to rake Tom over the coals. Deep brown eyes suggested nights of infinite pleasure with a skilled lover.

"Shouldn't we alert Tuvok?" Harry asked deaf ears.

"Sure, Harry. Anything you say," said a distracted Megan. "I'll have another one of these," she told him, pushing her empty glass into his chest without looking.

"Maybe he's been taken over by an alien forces or something!" Harry said desperately trying to get his Comm Badge to work. "Great! Comm-system is down; that's odd."

"I always thought he was sexy, but this is unbelievable!" Jenny whispered.

"If he does this for much longer, I am going to need a cigarette," Sandrine moaned and the girls laughed in agreement. "'ee is so very hot! And, that derrière! I sink I am going to faint."

"I want him!" Seven told them before she put her head down on her arm and passed out. "I've always wanted him!"

"Vait in line, _ma __chère_! Vait in line!" Sandrine said.

"I think it's the mustache and goatee!" Megan squealed. "I can't stop watching it!"

"Isn't it cute, the way it paints across his lip? Mmm…I want to kiss it!" Jenny added.

"I guess he doesn't remind you of your Dad anymore, Jenny," Harry said, disgusted with his drooling lady friends.

"Or maybe I do," Q/C said to Harry as he ran a finger across the top of Jenny's low cut top. She flushed with the erotic move and the intense, lascivious implication. Her lips parted involuntarily as he brushed his teasingly upon hers. She trembled as he strutted back to the game.

A squeal went up from her companions, as the girls went on about what they had just witnessed, not a few feet from them.

"Jenny! You are so lucky!" Megan said. "Maybe, he…"

"What?" Harry demanded. "What now?"

"She's going to say, 'Maybe he likes twins.'" Jenny told him, with the nail of her thumb between her teeth and suggestive grin on her face.

Harry cast a glare at Megan and then to Jenny.

"I know my sister, Harry," Jenny explained and then went back to squealing in an ensemble for "Chakotay's" every move.

Harry knew he had to act. He stomped out of the Holodeck in search of Tuvok, since he could not raise him over the system.

The final round was in still in play. Q/C allowed Tom a brief come-back and he began playing even better than he had been. With certainty, Tom was already mentally deciding which holoprograms he and B'Elanna would enjoy. Then in a decisive moment, he missed a vital shot. The group moaned, knowing that this was the end for Tom.

_tbc__…_

_More apologies to the creators of El Diablo, as long as they make a sequel and El D is the main character!_

_"El Diablo" is a movie that stars our own Robert Beltran in the title role. He is simply the sexiest character EVER and funny too. Unfortunately, he does not get very much screen time, but boy, when he does, he sizzles like a South West sun raining habanero peppers on the Earth at high noon during a firestorm. I'm just borrowing the __character and taking some of the ideas of the movie (like the comic book)__ and writing my own version. __If I had to choose between the insipid "hero" of the movie and the dark and wicked El D', well, no contest.__ You can see __pics__ of __RB__ in the role at various Beltran photo sites throughout the web, and the DVD is available. Enjoy!_


	12. The Flesh is Willing

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 12

_Rating: __T__, (Movie R) Warning__: sexual innuendo, intense, erotic flirting_

_(Sheesh, some warning. OK, now who doesn't want to read this now!)_

- - - - - - - -

It was Q/C's turn and he drew it out as long as possible. Tom was shaking with rage as his once staid XO chatted with some of the new girls who had joined the group. Alerts went out over the ship telling everyone about the spectacle in Sandrine's and what was at stake. The place was packed. Just about everyone who was off duty crammed into the shrinking room and even a few set their stations on Auto so they would not miss this.

Captain Janeway entered Sandrine's just as Q/C aced the final shot, her fists on her slender hips. Tom visibly shook in disbelief. The only one who had ever trounced him that way in years was a hologram programmed with the abilities of every great player in the history of the game.

He looked to B'Elanna who was smiling at her 'old friend'. They put their heads together and appeared be making arrangements. Her hand clasped around his elbow and the two walked toward Tom, whose face was bright red with rage and frustration. Every girl in the room was green with envy and wanted to be the lucky lady on "Chakotay's" arm.

"Q, this constitutes hurt and you promised you wouldn't," Chakotay wailed. "Please, this is not the agreement!"

"Read the fine print, tattoo boy!" Q told Chakotay who was raging with his powerlessness.

"What did you say, Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked. "I can't hear you in here."

Q/C walked right up to Tom and placed B'Elanna's hand in his. Tom was in shock as Q/C patted his shoulder.

"Great game, Tom!"

"You're not going to collect?"

"Of course not."

"Then why?" he demanded. "Why did you do this!?"

"For the game," he said smugly. "I have a date with Kathryn. Perhaps another time, B'Elanna." He winked at her.

"When did you learn to play like that?" Tom demanded.

"I'll give you a few pointers some time, Tom." Q/C grinned a crooked grin as he lightly stroked B'Elanna's flushed cheek gently with his knuckles.

He brought his lips close to B'Elanna's ear and whispered something in Klingon. The guttural rasps sent the pretty Engineer visibly into a state of arousal.

"I may even be able to help you with your pool playing," he joked and wiggled his eyebrows.

Tom was livid, but the Captain was witnessing the entire scene.

"Commander!" Janeway's voice cut through the crowd and stood out. The room once again grew quite.

"Kathryn! Every bit the fiery red head. May I say you are looking gorgeous this fine evening?"

"You certainly may not!" she leveled.

"Oh, one more thing, though," Q/C gathered B'Elanna in his arms and for the benefit of the stunned crowd, he kissed her until she almost passed out.

"Here you go, Tom," he smirked. "All warmed up for you."

A pool cue snapped and Tom wanted to stuff his fist through Chakotay's arrogant face. He headed toward him, but several crewmen grabbed his arms and kept him from striking his superior.

"Let it go, Tom!" Ayala warned. "Janeway will lock you in the brig for 70 years if you touch him!"

B'Elanna was in a haze, her pupils dilated, and her lips full. She approached the still simmering Tom and grabbed his arm, digging her nails into his flesh. She composed herself enough to nip his ear lobe and huskily demand, "My quarters, Tom! Now!"

Tom suddenly forgot everything else and allowed B'Elanna lead him away.

_tbc_


	13. From Out of Nowhere

The Q Must Be Crazy

Part 13

PG-13

-- -- --

"Have you come to join us, Kathryn?" Q/C asked, as he sauntered up to her and entered her personal space.

"You are coming to my Ready Room," she ordered. "Now."

"Kathryn, if there is a problem, I'm certain Tuvok can handle it; I'm off duty."

"Don't you 'off duty' me, Mr. Chakotay! You will address me properly at all times. Now, come with me, this moment!"

"Sorry, ladies," he told them rakishly, kissing a few more hands and bowing as he walked toward the portal. "My mistress has a whim."

"She'll never forgive us!" Chakotay told him. "Not even when she finds out it's you!"

"Relax!" Q told his prisoner. "I'll take care of everything."

"What did you say to me?" she demanded. "I will not relax! Your behavior is…"

"I said, 'You're exquisite when you are commanding me, my dear.'"

"Belay that, Mr. Chakotay," she ordered. "Computer, beam us directly to Sickbay."

No answer.

"Tuvok! Tuvok, report immediately. Acknowledge!" she demanded, hitting her comm-badge repeatedly.

"We don't need Tuvok," Q/C told her huskily. "We just need some time together, away from all this."

"Computer! Where is Mr. Tuvok?"

"Mr. Tuvok is in Holodeck One."

"Mr. Chakotay, we are going to Holodeck One."

"Excellent suggestion, my dear!" he agreed. "That is where my program is running."

She stopped and put her hand on his arm. "Chakotay, if you are still having problems, I will authorize more rest time. What has gotten into you?"

"Interesting choice of words, my sweet angel. Take me to the Holodeck and you will find out," he said with a mischievous grin. He bolted to the other Holodeck and disappeared into the sand storm behind the open portal.

Janeway took off after him, wondering, and worrying about her First Officer. He looked different. He acted different. She suspected the worst and hoped for the best, that it was simply a reaction to stress. A stress related illness could be dealt with for the most part, but an alien abduction or possession is quite different. Was this perhaps a manifestation of his congenital defect; something that re-immerged from his DNA despite their modern manipulation?

She threw herself into the Holodeck calling his name. She thought she might have blacked out because the next thing she was aware of was standing at the front of a one-room schoolhouse. It looked like the Old West of early 20th century Earth. She found herself screeching basic math onto the blackboard with a piece of hard chalk. She turned around abruptly and looked at the room.

The children, of various ages, focused their attention anywhere but on their lessons. Some stared out the window. Others snoozed and a few were exchanging wads of paper with makeshift slingshots. One child was obviously reading an early adventure book with elaborate illustrations, which he had not so skillfully hidden behind his personal writing board and tattered texts. She looked down at her school m'arm outfit. It was worn and faded, with patches barely covering the many tatters.

"Computer! End Program."

No answer.

A few of the children looked up at her, bewildered by her unintelligible words.

She stalked down the aisle, intending to leave but something caught her eye. The boy with the comic book was aware of her regard and tried to hide the book.

"No! No! Let me see that!"

"I'm sorry, Miss Janeway, ma'am! Please don't beat me no mo'" he pleaded, but she ignored him.

He tugged at the book, trying to keep it.

"I'm won't beat you, unless you don't give me this book, right now!" she said forcefully.

The boy relented, frightened by her vehement tone. He hid his face in his arms, and wept pitifully on the rough-hewn wooden desk.

On the yellowed brittle paper was a series of drawings depicting a band of desperados led by a man who very much resembled her First Officer. Only, it wasn't her First Officer. It couldn't be her First Officer!

This character had his face, but distorted with malevolence. He was not the gentle man she knew as Chakotay, but he was dressed exactly the way he had been in Sandrine's.

He was intensely beautiful like a furious force of nature. She thought for a moment that she could see the image move. Startled, she threw it down on the floor, revealing the cover with the words: The Legend of El Diablo. The subtitle read, "The ongoing saga of the most evil and feared outlaw to ever set foot in the new frontier."

She could not help herself as she dropped down to the floor and scooped up the book. The children were obviously in love with this little tome, and were begging her to read it to them.

"Please, Please, Miss Janeway! Please!" they clamored. "Please read the book! Please!"

She opened the book and acquiesced to the children's wishes; she wanted to read this too. She drew in a deep breath and began reading the story.

"There is a legend from these here parts. It is said to be more than a tall tale but maybe it's less than the truth. The legend is about an unstoppable evil. Was he merely a man? Or was he an evil creature from the pit of the damnation itself?

"No one knew from whence he came. He seemed to appear from the dust of the Earth, leading raids, robberies, and committing murder without thought. Fear spread at the utterance of his name, for they called him "El Diablo", The Devil.

Those words accompanied the first drawings, which depicted the outlaws on their horses thundering toward the reader. A cloud of dust erupted in their wake. At the center of the group, was that man who looked like her friend and First Officer, dressed in that ridiculous get up. He did look attractive though, but when didn't he?

She continued with incredulity, trying desperately to make some sense of all of this.

"He and his gang of cut-throat bandits roamed throughout the West, striking terror in the hearts of men, seizing all they desired without a thought for the law.

"They took the best of everything from everyone, without regard for anyone. No lawman could stop them. No bounty hunter could catch them. No posse could bring them to their knees.

"This is insane!" she said to the air. "Does he really think he is this character?" The children prompted her to continue.

"He treated every woman like a Queen and it was said that no woman could resist the allure of his powers.

"Maybe the swarthy man they called El Diablo came from among the stars like an avenging angel…."

"Oh, who writes this junk!" she said, throwing her hands up in the air.

A sudden flash and thunderclap shook the small building, prompting the children to scream and hide under their desks. The unmistakable sound of rampaging horses broke the silence of the sleepy old West town. Janeway ran to the window and saw the drawing come alive.

This would have to end! She left the schoolhouse and ran through the dusty playground and into a wide area that served as a main street for the tiny town.

Before she could call out, Q/Chakotay/El Diablo galloped toward her. Before she could react, he snatched her up, knocking the wind from her lungs with the complete surprise and force of the abduction. She struggled valiantly against him, but his arms felt like iron and she had no choice but to ride with him until they reached their commandeered farmhouse.

_tbc__…_


	14. No Means NO

The Q Must Be Crazy

- - - - - Part 14

PG-13

_Too Over the Top? Silly? Moi? Well, thank you! I certainly hope so!_

-------

The ersatz El Diablo laughed at Kathryn's futile struggles as he shoved her into the main room of the farmhouse. He sent his men away and they were alone. He was free to have his way with her, or so he thought.

The humble room served as many things, including the kitchen. The largest feature there was an enormous fireplace that served as both a source of warmth and a kitchen stove.

Q immersed himself in the character, forgetting himself, forgetting his agreement with Chakotay. He approached Janeway, who had grabbed a heavy iron pan from near the hearth and wielded it like a weapon.

He laughed at her, thinking he had the upper hand.

"Tell me now, that you want me," he insisted.

"No! Chakotay!"

"Ah, when a woman says 'no', she really means…" he closed the distance between them.

"That's what you think? Stay back, Commander! I'm warning you!" she threatened.

He looked at her with a lust that seared her to her soul. In an instant, he was upon her, knocking the pan from her hands with a clunk that sounded from the wooden floor. He grabbed her and kissed her roughly. She writhed and struggled against him, but he was strong, inhumanly strong, and her fighting abilities were of no avail.

"You have spirit, my pretty one! _Usted es muy hermoso. Le __tendré,"_ he vowed in a husky voice. "_Le besaré repetidas veces. Le amaré.__"_

She did not understand his words without her translator, but she understood his lascivious tones.

"Get your hands off me, Commander!" she ordered, with no response, other than to hold her tighter. His kisses grew fiercer, more ardent, more seductive. She began to weaken. He ripped her clothing, tearing the frayed homespun fabric top away like paper and revealing her muslin camisole. He kissed her shoulder and neck and she relaxed for a moment, then realized what she was doing.

While he mauled her, she allowed herself to go limp, giving him a false sense that she had surrendered to this elaborate seduction. She turned her head, allowing him to nibble her neck.

"Oh, Chakotay," she breathed. "I have waited so long for you to take me."

"Not a moment too soon, my love," he panted.

Her verbal acceptance did the trick. When she felt he was sufficiently off guard, she wrenched her knee up hard and delivered a painful strike. His eyes widened with surprise, and she took the brief moment to grab a large wooden rolling pin and bash him on the side of his head. He stepped back a few feet, not knowing how to deal with the pain.

He lunged toward her. She was propelled by might and rage with a heaping portion of martial training and physical conditioning. She wound up her right cross and punched him hard on the jaw with her fist. She followed through with a spinning kick to his head. She knocked a few of his teeth loose and blood erupted from his mouth. He spun helplessly around with the force and shock. He landed face down on the floor.

"I…said…'No'," she told him as she stood over him, catching her breathe.

He put his hand to the warm oozing red fluid and stared at it with disbelief. She still held her defensive posture, awaiting the next move that never came.

"I…I…I'm bleeding!" Q/C wailed pitifully. "Isn't that what you call it? Bleeding?"

"What _we_ call it? Who are you?" she demanded. "Tell me, or I'll draw more blood!" Her fists were at the ready.

He wailed piteously, like a screaming child. "And, I'm in pain!" he whimpered. "Ouch, I'm really hurting!" Q now remembered the downside of flesh and blood.

She grabbed some rope and quickly bound "El Diablo" as if she were binding an errant calf in an exhibition rodeo.

"Last chance! Who are you?" She feigned another punch, causing him to cringe in abject fear.

"I'm…I'm…" he whined. "I'm Chakotay! I am!" He tried to zap himself away, but could not budge a dust mite.

"Janeway to Tuvok."

"Tuvok here."

"It's good to hear your voice, Tuvok."

"Thank you. It is pleasing to hear yours once again. Do you require assistance, Captain?"

"Send a security detail to Holodeck One to escort Mr. Chakotay to Sickbay. Janeway out."

"I know there's something terribly wrong with you, or you are an imposter. Either way, we'll get to the bottom of this!"

- - - - - - -

"Owoowwwww!" Q wailed from the biobed.

"Oh stop whining, Commander!" the Doctor reprimanded. "You no longer have so much as a scratch on you!"

"Huh? Is it over?" asked Q/El Diablo. "Am I still alive? I can't feel my legs. Are my legs still there?" He continued to winge like a hypochondriac on a roll.

"Oh, I don't know. I'm rather enjoying this." Tom stood over him, sorting instruments. He was still smarting from his experience in Sandrine's.

"And, you can wipe that look off your face, Lieutenant" the Doctor told Paris with disgust. "If this is Commander Chakotay, he is clearly not in his right mind" He hesitated, looking at the costume. "Or maybe...Ah, Captain…"

"Is he all right?" she asked, anxiously.

"Nooo! I'm not. He hurt me!" Q whimpered, pointing at the Doctor. Then he looked to her, "You hurt me too! Oh, ohhh!"

"Well, apart from the fact that he came in here looking as if he had been flattened by a Bat-tholior Sal-hack Beast, he is 100 completely cured. His teeth are restored, his jaw break is mended, skull fracture and all bumps, bruises contusions…"

"You! You stay away from me!" Q pointed at Kathryn.

"Oh, this gets better and better!" Tom gloated from the sidelines.

"Paris!" The Doctor warned.

"He made a pass at every woman on the ship," Tom said bitterly, "and could have had any one of them. Then he tried to seduce my fiancé!"

"Tom, please, right now I only care about getting Chakotay back to normal," Janeway told him.

"You're fiancé?" The Doctor noted. "Why am I never told about these things?" he complained bitterly.

"It just happened, Doc, so you're actually the first to know," Tom told him, his grin returning.

"Oh. Oh." The Doctor said slowly. "Well…excellent, then, congratulations! When's the big date?"

"Gentlemen, please!"

- - - - - - -

_tbc…_


	15. Q Zero and Continuum Infinite

The Q Must Be Crazy II  
Q: Zero, Continuum: Infinite

Part 15

_Thanks for the R&R… More please! Feed me, Seymour!_

---- - - - -- -

That evening, a gust of wind blew through Sickbay. A short, round, elderly fat man appeared from nowhere. He wore a loose fitting outfit made of rough-woven fabric in grays and dull brown that matched his bushy brown beard perfectly. At his side was a tall skinny woman with flaming red hair and large black glasses. She had a notepad at the ready and a stack of yellowed parchment papers in her arm.

Q bolted up from his bed and tried to run away, to no avail. Q was snatched up like a lion cub in its mother's mouth, by the scruff of his neck. The being's invisible powers held Q immobile.

"Q!" the elder Q thundered. "What mess have you made this time? Why are you dressed in that ridiculous body?" he asked, referring not to the El Diablo outfit, but to Chakotay's form.

"As if you didn't know! I'm stuck in it because of you!"

"You will be for a bit longer!" he told him. "The Q Continuum has some things to settle with you."

"No! Get me out of this body! I need my powers."

"You will have your powers," Q was informed. "I will mete out enough power for you to fix this situation, and then more when I am certain that you will never pull anything like this again, not even with the smallest life form in this Universe or any other—ever! Then and only then will the Q Continuum restore your powers!"

The Secretary handed the elder Q the sheaf of papers she was holding for him.

"Let's see here. 'I, Q'—Not too much!" he interjected."I, Q, being of infinite wisdom and power—oh, goodness!—do hereby…dah, dah dah…Here it is. You agreed to help Mr. Chakotay court one Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager.

"Yes, that's what I was doing when that she-beast attacked me!"

"No you weren't!" Fat Q objected. "You were doing no such thing!"

"Was!"

"Would you like a playback? Because seeing a scrawny female Earthling beat you senseless is a delight the Q will treasure for all time!"

"Oh, very well! I was…"

"You were merely playing a game and making a complete fool of yourself. I should think that you of all Q would know Janeway enough to expect her to react that way."

"It would have worked, if she had…"

"Yes? Go on. Try it. I'm listening."

Q went quiet and the little man-Q continued.

"In return for helping Chakotay win her heart, you would steal a lover's kiss, specifically their first kiss. Q, that's reprehensible and I as duly authorized representative of the QC do hereby delete that stipulation from this contract, which is all but rendered null and void by your insane actions."

"Ah! That was the best part!" Q/Diablo complained.

"Why would you kiss a human anyway, first or otherwise?" the fat little Q asked, shuddering with the thought.

Q opened his mouth and took a breath as if he were about to whine a retort.

"Don't answer. We'll deal with that predilection at a later date. Right now…" he held up the contract, lit his finger and burned the parchment into nothingness, like magician's flash paper.

Q moaned.

"Right now, you are going to repair some damage and then we can get back to the Continuum and work on your issues."

"My issues," Q said with skepticism.

"Yes. Perhaps after a few hundred millennia, you will finally have your kinks ironed out."

"That is cruel and unusual!" Q objected.

"Really?"

"Yes, really! Even Q the Destroyer did not receive such treatment at your hands."

"Never you mind about him! We're talking about you!"

Q moaned and groaned.

"Now," small fat Q ignored him. "You were doing all right until about the time you decided to dress up like a fool and…I don't know what to call what you did, but there should be a new word for it!"

"You small-minded, unimaginative, stuck in a rut, fuddy duddy!"

"Flattery will get you nothing, Q," the Q replied dryly. "Are you going to do it, or would you like to live in that body for oh, about 60 - 70 Earth years?"

"That's no time to a Q!"

"Yes, I know," he replied smugly. "It's 60 to 70 Earth years to a human. Think about it! Aches and pains. Illnesses. Heartbreak. Allergies. Human children. Opera. Work. Pecking orders. Bodily functions. Needs. Wants. Desires."

"Alright! Stop your interminable list! I'll do anything just to stop you from droning on."

"Yes?"

"I'll do it!"

"Good."

_tbc__…._


	16. Grandfather has his say

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Chakotay: Zero, Ancestors…

Part 16

- - - - - - -

Chakotay had long since ceased to plead with Q and was unaware that his body was in Sickbay. Q allowed himself every indulgence of the flesh available and he did not so-much-as-deign to acknowledge the wan and fading voice from within. Q was busy playing a foolish game, dressed as a dandy and hurting people who Chakotay cared a great deal about.

When Q ran onto the Holodeck, Chakotay had a fair idea of what Q's intentions were. He could not stand to be present to watch his body if Q should take Kathryn against her—and his—will. To watch his body harm her, to look into her eyes as it happened. This he could not face.

Chakotay's last outside awareness was when he had watched in horror as Q attacked Kathryn. He was proud of her, the way she handled it. He always did admire her strength and warrior spirit. It made him love her even more and hate himself in equal measure.

During her expert self-defense, Chakotay allowed himself to be fade; he could no longer bear to see what Q was doing to the ones around him. He could not do anything to change his behavior or protect his friends. Or protect Kathryn. That hurt most of all. He had to hope and trust she could take care of herself.

And so he withdrew. Chakotay became a ghost in his own body, alone, apart, detached and unaware, as if he were in a deep state of sleep.

The worst thing was that he knew he was responsible for all of this. Q had set him up and he went for the bait like a hungry rat attacking a piece of cheese.

Chakotay make supplications to the Spirits, hoping they listened to the prayers of one such as him. He knelt in a position of prayer and began to invoke the Spirits of his Ancestors. It was a vain hope, but it was all he had left.

"Chakotay!" a stern voice woke him from his trance. "Chakotay, wake up!"

A wizened Indian with long flowing white hair walked toward him, consternation clearly on his face.

"Grandfather! Is it you? Is it really you?"

"Mmm….Let me see." He patted his chest, tamping his traditional Dorvanian garb. "I think so. But, you have not passed on, so what are you doing in this realm?"

"Grandfather, I have made a terrible mistake," Chakotay confessed.

"Yes, you have!" he scolded. "I did not believe my son could raise such a fool!"

Chakotay hung his virtual head.

"I'm sorry, Grandfather I…."

"Did not my son tell you of the Trickster? Didn't I? Weren't you warned not to engage him in any way, to never barter with him? Since you were this tall?" He put his hand down, indicating his childhood size.

"Yes, but, I…I had no…"

"No choice? Is that what you were going to say? Is that the lie you were going to tell your Grandfather?"

"I did have a choice," Chakotay knew, thinking back to that fateful moment, his moment of weakness, believing Q could help him. That it was the only way. He had a chance to tell Q to leave him alone yet he allowed himself to be tempted to make this insane arrangement with the promise of winning Kathryn.

"And what is this all about? Huh?" Grandfather prompted. "Huh?"

Chakotay did not answer.

"A woman! Bah! I should leave you here and let you be a toy for the Trickster for all time!" His Grandfather got up and began to walk away in disgust.

"I'm sorry, Grandfather," Chakotay pleaded desolately, calling after this specter. "Please, I…"

"Sorry! That's what I would call it!" Grandfather called back. "Chakotay, you always had the power to win your Kathryn. It is within every man to cross the divide and claim his soul mate."

"Soul mate? How is that so, when she has made her wishes clear? She does not love me or she does not want to love me."

The old man laughed knowingly and began to walk back toward his grieving Grandson.

"Your Grandmother made similar wishes known to me.

"The day I saw her for the first time, she was by the river, washing clothes. She was beautiful and strong as your woman. She captured me by one look.

"You know that feeling, don't you Chakotay. When you first saw your Kathryn.

"As a silly young man, awestruck by her splendor, I took a flower to her, the most beautiful flower I could find in the woods. I had never seen such a creature as she. She took it, but turned, took her things and ran away. I felt small and crushed.

"The next week, I brought a rabbit and some of my harvest to her clan, as offering, for food was scarce. They were grateful, but your Grandmother was inside the dwelling. She would not come out speak to me, despite the prompting of her mother. She peered out at me; I could not discern her look. When she knew I saw her, she turned away.

"The third week, I took a goat to her family and asked her father for permission to marry her. That is what we did in the old days. He told me yes, and that he would be grateful for her to go to a different dwelling. He was weary of his daughter, for she talked about me and nothing but me from the moment we met. He gave us his blessing and in the fourth week, we were married.

"You would not have life if I had allowed her to send me away," he informed Chakotay.

"I don't think the goat gambit would work with Kathryn," Chakotay said.

"Don't talk back! I am not saying that you must bring her food, but you must not take her refusals at face value. You do know how she feels about you; you have known for a long time."

"What is wrong with you is that you let her run away from you and allow her to frighten you.

"Chakotay, to get a woman, all you need is do is to behave like a man."

Grandfather let that sink in.

"You're a fool on a second count because you did not believe in your own powers. Instead, you put your life and destiny in the hands of the one you call Q."

Chakotay felt ashamed. He thought he was beyond hope, but then the old man's tone softened and he sat down near him, the way he did when Chakotay was a boy.

"You are my son's son," Grandfather said, his tone infused with compassion. "I cannot leave you to this fate. Perhaps had your pattern not been altered, you would not be here and that was not your fault."

"My pattern?" Chakotay questioned as something dawned upon him. "Do you mean my DNA?"

"Whatever it is that the outside peoples call it, yes. You were cut off from wisdom when they ruined you that way."

"Grandfather," Chakotay began sadly. "We thought you were ill."

"Ill? Is that what they call it when a man lives in understanding and communion with the spirit world?"

"The doctors did not want me to become sick as well. I did not want…" Chakotay choked.

"To be like your crazy old Grandfather," he finished for him.

"Yes," Chakotay admitted quietly. "We didn't understand, Grandfather. They thought they were protecting me from…"

"Say it, Chakotay: 'insanity'."

"Yes, Grandfather! Insanity! Perhaps they did not succeed. Perhaps I'm merely mad right now, hallucinating all of this, Q, Voyager, even Kath…" he broke into dry sobs. It was a distinct possibility that everything he thought he was seeing, everything about his life was the elaborate fabrication of a sick mind. It made more sense than any explanation.

What about all he saw and experienced. Was his life an illusion? All of these unlikely events. Leaving his family to go to travel among the stars? Piloting a space ship? Breaking with Starfleet to fight with the Maquis? Getting swept into this distant space by the Caretaker? Allowing a powerful being to take over his body to attempt to woo the woman he loved?

Now his long dead Grandfather who died millions of light years from this place was standing here in this limbo and speaking to him. Was that anything but lunacy?

His Grandfather chuckled at him. Chakotay was on his knees sobbing and the elder man was chuckling, in a knowing way.

"Get up, Chakotay," he offered his hand. "You are not hallucinating. I'm here to help."

"How can you help, Grandfather? I have no power over Q and I allowed him to do this!"

He looked into the old man's face, and saw love and compassion in his wise eyes. He felt the connection to his Grandfather with a shock. He had called to his Ancestors, and here he was, comforting and instructing him.

"There are powers at play in the Universe, beyond our ken. Something is being done. Never forget, Chakotay, 'There are more things in heaven and earth…than are dreamt of in your philosophy.'"

"Is that some old Indian saying, Grandfather?" Chakotay asked, his despair still weighing him down.

"Not really, but close enough," Grandfather told him wryly. "I cannot tell you all the mysteries, and I do not know them myself, but the great Spirits are looking after us. I have been summoned here to help you through this time."

"How?"

"The good news about the Trickster, Chakotay, is that he is as big a fool as you." Grandfather told him.

Chakotay looked down, feeling every bit the fool.

"And, he has angered those who keep the Universe in order."

The idea made his head spin. Chakotay did not want to think any longer. If his Grandfather was a product of dementia, what good would it do to talk, argue or try to understand what he was saying? If he was real, he owed him respect. The old man hugged him, making him feel comfort in the maelstrom of despair.

"Good bye for now, Chakotay."

"Don't leave me!"

"I will see you again when it is your time."

Then he was gone, leaving Chakotay alone with himself and with Q, who was there with him again.

- - - - - - -

_tbc__…_


	17. Do Over

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 17

Do Over

-- -- -- - - -

"No!" Chakotay said when Q appeared before him, the limbo space in his own body.

"Chakotay!" Q implored, as Chakotay looked for an escape route, but there was no place for him to go.

"Go away!"

"Hear me out…uh…please," Q asked, nearly with humility, but the word 'please' was difficult for him to say. It made him wince and make a sour face as he spoke it.

"I have listened to you enough, Q. I have paid dearly for it."

"You have to hear this, Chakotay. I have to try again."

"You're joking! You have ruined my life. My relationship with Kathryn, such as it was, will never recover. She will probably have me drawn and quartered. Then I will have to walk the plank, right out the airlock. But, before she metes out punishment, I will be the one who will have to file the report on my behavior and misdeeds, breech of protocol and it will all be in accordance with Starfleet regulations…"

"You really need to work on the power of positive thinking," Q said sheepishly.

"You lied to me. You reneged on a written promise. You even got my body injured…by the woman you were supposed to be romancing."

"Well, ah…apart from that, everything went well," Q cracked, scratching his forehead with his thumb.

"You are unbelievable! You're evil. What next? Will you simply wipe me out of existence? Torture me? Leave me somewhere to die a million deaths?"

"No. None of the above. I'm not evil. Just…stupid," Q admitted, reluctantly. "A victim of my own whims and unable to deal with being human again."

"That too!"

"I really did intend to do what I promised," Q told him, abject remorse in his voice. "I honestly do want to see you and the lady 'Kommandant' live happily ever after."

"Why?"

"I told you before, I really do care about my pets…I mean, my…"

"Just leave me alone, Q." Chakotay said pacing as if he walked enough he could get away.

"This time, Chakotay, it's me who has no choice. The Q Continuum has given me an ultimatum. I've got to set things right."

"What? What ultimatum? How can you possibly set things right after what you have done?"

"I'm not certain, I have a few ideas, but we're going to find out exactly how together," Q approached Chakotay.

"No, not again!"

"I am truly sorry," Q said sadly, sincerely. "I have to do this."

"Get away from me!" Chakotay said as he tried in vain to back away. There was no place he could go.

"OK. Fine!" Q stomped. "Let's just stay here and look at each other for the rest of your natural life! That's the ultimatum!"

Q sighed. "Look, for the record…"

Chakotay huffed and turned away.

"For the record, unlike before, this is NOT your choice. It's not even my choice. You are not in collusion with the Trickster, or Boogie Man or Loki whatever your Grandfather calls me."

"Trickster," Chakotay told him.

"Let's get on with it. The sooner we start, the sooner it will be over."

"No!" Chakotay pleaded, fearing the absolute worst.

Q recovered a bit of his old jaunty self and told Chakotay, "Come on! We have a maiden…well…a lady to sweep off her feet."

Q approached Chakotay and put his hand out and in an instant, Chakotay's came back to consciousness, aware of his own body. Q was still there, but something had changed, drastically changed. Chakotay had some control.

_tbc…_

_I just saw a vid by hololust3O over at the big video site__, that I can't mention her__e__ because ff filters __URLS__…__anyway, __you know where. I'm so inspired!_

_**Therefore, I, Anitalife,**__**do hereby reject Paramount's/Berman's version of J**__**aneway/Chakotay**__** reality and substitute OUR reality a**__**s**__** the REAL canon, as put forth by every devout JetC fan on the internet and beyond!**_

_Enjoy!_


	18. Back to Square Two

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 18

Back to Square Two

----- ---

Chakotay found himself walking down the corridor at Kathryn's side. They had decided to visit Sandrine's before their dinner.

They were both in civilian eveningwear. Her flowing dress clung about her body, enhancing her slender figure.

Chakotay's heart leapt, realizing what was happening. Q was still steering mostly. That was fine, for now. It would take Chakotay awhile to get his bearing. He was aware he was looking at Kathryn and she was looking back. Kathryn's attire was also enough to make him forget his step and bump into a wall.

He smiled like an idiot. He realized had just spent an entire day with his Captain on the Bridge, flirting unabashedly, with her the way they did in the old days. Only, it was Q who emboldened his actions; he would have never done that on the bridge without Q's intervention.

"Don't say anything to me, but just nod, or smile, or something, so I know you get it," Q said from within.

"You look happy, Commander," Kathryn told him, noticing that his face was brightly lit with a broad grin.

"I haven't felt this good in awhile, Kathryn," Chakotay told her honestly, and the words came directly from him and not Q. He had hope again.

"Good!" she said to him as they entered Sandrine's.

Chakotay realized they had stepped back in time. This was exactly where and when he, or rather when Q went wrong. He could hear the voices he had heard right before his entrance.

The twins just finished their wild tale of the interstellar impossible romance. The whole group was laughing at their antics and enjoying themselves.

Tom and B'Elanna were trading their playful banter. Harry was at the ready for another game. The rest of the crew were laughing, talking and sipping delicious drinks and sampling some of Neelix' better party food.

"I think it's sweet," B'Elanna announced as she punched Tom's arm.

"I'll deal with you later," Tom mock-warned B'Elanna.

"Oh, you think so, do you?" B'Elanna said as she kissed the jovial Helmsman….

Suddenly every man, woman and hologram stopped, frozen in their tracks as the portal whooshed open. Smiles drooped to open-mouth gapes. The bell-like clinks of glasses silenced and even the holo-smoke appeared to stand still as if the very atmosphere in the room could not believe the sight before it.

The Captain and her First Officer were standing at the door, her arm on his. They were looking at each other, obviously happy with each other's company. Just as they did in the beginning, when everyone was certain they were an item.

"Please, everyone! Carry on," Kathryn told the crew when she realized their entrance had stopped the party.

"To what do we owe this honor?" Tom asked, breaking the ice for the crew.

"No honors, Tom," Chakotay told them. "We were on our way to dinner, but we thought we'd stop by for drinks. Maybe I'll even win some Holodeck time from you."

Tom smiled. "You're on, Commander." He knew he would win, but he knew that Chakotay still liked to play. No harm, no foul.

"Harry, would you set up the table?" Chakotay requested with a smile.

"Uh. Sure, Sir." Harry was wary of Chakotay after Tuvok's caveats.

"Harry, we're off duty. You can relax," Chakotay told him jovially.

The game went as Tom had expected.

After setting up the table, Harry Kim dutifully called Tuvok.

"Tuvok, Kim here," he said as softly as he could.

"The Commander and the Captain are here in Sandrine's."

"Have you noted any aberrant behavior?"

"Well, it's hard to say. She seems not to mind his company. He just ran his hand down her back, and she is smiling. He's whispering something to her. She's laughing."

Tuvok sighed, "Thank you, Mr. Kim. That will be all. If you actually notice anything…unusual…"

"Mr. Tuvok, with all due respect, they never behave this way in front of the crew."

"You're concerns are duly noted and logged. Please update me only as necessary and only if…"

"They're laughing and smiling and looking into each other's eyes," Kim continued, unchecked by Tuvok's tone.

"That is still behavior within normal parameters."

"Mr. Chakotay just lost a game to Tom. I…"

"Thank you Ensign. That will be all for now. Tuvok out."

"But…"

"Good game, Tom," Chakotay said as he lost. "Enjoy the Holodeck Time." He drew closer to Tom, put his hand on Tom's shoulder as he did before. In conspiratorial tones Chakotay told him, "I know a very romantic program that B'Elanna always talks about. I've sent you a private message with the specs. Have fun."

"Thank you, Comm…Chakotay!" Tom said, with a smile and a puzzled brow. "You knew you were going to lose?"

Chakotay smiled ambiguously, leaving Tom to draw his own conclusions.

"Captain," Chakotay began, offering his arm. "Would you be so good as to join me for that dinner?"

"I would love to, Commander," she said. She turned back to her eager, eavesdropping crew. "Carry on, everyone! Good night!"

With that, the Command duo exited Sandrine's leaving the curious group to speculate further about what was to come for the pair.

"That was lovely," she told him as they walked, feeling an elation she had not allowed herself for a while.

"Anytime with you, Kathryn," C/Q told her, "is lovely."

Kathryn found herself feeling flushed with those words.

"You are such a good friend, Chakotay," she told him, careful to 'define parameters' of their relationship, yet again.

"Yes, I am, aren't I?" he asked with humor, his charming smile in full force as they entered his quarters. "And sometimes good friends…"

"Oh, Chakotay!" she burst. "You did not have to go to all this trouble."

The room was set for romance, but not overdone. They often ate dinner together in this kind of setting, usually in her room or the Holodeck: Fresh flowers. Romantic music. Perfect table setting. Candles and other soft ambient lighting.

"No trouble at all," he told her.

"Q, I don't know about this!" Chakotay told him, inaudibly. "Kathryn's not going to…"

"Not now, Chakotay!" Q told him in a whisper. "We're into the home stretch!"

_tbc…._


	19. Dinner and a Show

The Q Must Be Crazy IIPart 19Two's Company, Q's a Crowd

_Thanks so much for R&R. __And__, thanks for "__favoritizing__" the story. __I'm__ happy with it and I've got some more J/C/Q goodies coming up! Thanks again! _

-- - - - -

She laughed a kind of skeptical huff when she thought about their time together.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Our time together? Our time together has often been difficult. What about all the time we've spent on the bridge, trying to hold the ship together with baling wire?"

"The best part. I treasure every moment," he said sincerely.

"Chakotay," her smile dropped at his physical closeness and compliments. "Perhaps we should call it a night."

_"She doesn't want to have dinner__, Q," Chakotay told Q. "__You can't make her. I have to respect…"_

"Nonsense, Kathryn! I mean, Captain Kathryn," he heard himself say as he led her by the hand into his quarters. "After I've slaved over a hot replicator all day?"

She hesitated, but gave in. He was looking at her in 'that way'. Those big brown eyes, inviting her, beguiling her.

Some days, it was very difficult to sit next to him on the bridge. He was so handsome, so strong, so sweet, so brave, so…

She hesitated then smiled. "Well, then let's have that dinner."

Some days she wanted to climb over that divide, push him down to the floor and make love to him on the bridge. She fantasized that she would put all the systems on auto, send all the bridge personnel away during a particularly boring stretch of space, then lock the door with her personal privacy codes.

She always reined in those fantasies, keeping them in careful check. She would not even allow herself a fantasy life where he was concerned. To dangerous!

Q refrained from too much interference during dinner. _"This will be the relaxing part," he told Chakotay._

They ate, laughing and reminiscing about the times they had together, enjoying each other's company as they often did. Chakotay must have been looking at her with the longing he could no longer hide. She knew what it meant and the only thing to do was turn tail and run like a rabbit.

She did not know what possessed her, but she had been flirting with Chakotay all day. She knew it was unfair. She knew she was leading him down a path with a closed door at the end, one that she could not and would not enter.

She even held out hope, if just for a few moments today. The hope that they could somehow get together and work it out.

"This has been a wonderful evening, Chakotay!" she told him as she sipped the last of her champagne and placed her napkin upon the table. "I have a full day tomorrow, so…"

"Dance with me, Kathryn," Q said through Chakotay, as he gallantly swept himself up and rounded the table to her side.

"I…it's getting late," she attempted weakly.

"It's not late. We've just begun. Dance with me, Kathryn. Is there a regulation against dancing?"

"There is a lot to do in the morning," she said quietly from her reverie as she looked into his eyes.

"I'm certain the crew can handle it, for a few minutes, without either one of us."

_"She's going to go skitter-__ish__ on us__," Q coached.__"__Just get her to relax."_

"But, I should…" she objected again.

_"Don't you dare__ leave, Kathryn__" __she told herself__. "__You owe him a dance after your behavior."_

"I'm fully aware of the workload tomorrow, Captain. I think you can afford a dance. Computer, Chakotay Music, Romantic01, Soft." Q had taken over. Chakotay would never be so bold on his own to stop her from leaving.

Kathryn found her hand in his and before she knew it, they were holding each other and stepping slowly. Not as much a dance as it was a moving hug.

She became aware, with pain of regret, that she had never hugged him before. Her dearest friend and she would not hug him. There was a reason for that, she knew. Once she allowed herself a hug, she would be undone. All her defenses would tumble down and she would be left...

He held her close as they moved together with the rhythms of the gentle tones. He put his cheek against her forehead, and breathed into her soft hair. Q wanted him to kiss her, but Chakotay put his heels down and was able to refuse.

_"Oh no!__ This cannot be happening!"__ she said in her mind as the closeness warmed her from head to toe._

One battle lost.

_"__Doesn't she look nice in that dress__A__ll l__ovely __and feminine __in the __warm __candlelight__ Go on, tell her!"_

"You look so beautiful tonight. I could dance like this forever," Chakotay heard his own voice say through his lips as he cringed.

_"What are you doing?" Chakotay said __aloud __softly to the Q within._

She became anxious. She could not let them keep going on this way. She would only hurt him when she had to reject him and she did not want to do that. Time to get the hell out of here!

"I'm sorry? What did you say, Chakotay?" Kathryn asked.

_"Keep it down, flyboy!" Q scolded. "This is what I said I would do and you are going to cooperate!"_

"Are you alright?" she asked as she felt Chakotay tense up and pull away.

"Excuse me," Chakotay said, as he got up and ran into the bathroom, closing the door and splashing cold water on his face.

- - - - -

"Bad timing, Chakotay!" Q reprimanded. "We were doing well and now you've broken the mood!"

"Q, she doesn't want this! Doesn't want me! She has made it clear…" he whispered.

"Didn't you hear what your Great-Grandfather said?" Q said aloud through him.

"I…heard what he said about the Trickster, loud and clear!"

"Look, Chakotay, I know you have no reason to trust me, but you have to!"

"Why?"

"I…" Q hesitated. "I, well there's…and, ahh…I don't know Chakotay, but I have to make this work for you!"

"And, _you_ take our first kiss, if there is any kiss …"

"No! The Q Continuum…The Continuum put the kibosh on that."

"The what?"

"They tore up the contract because I messed things up in the other timeline!"

"You left out that detail. So, you don't have to do any of this."

"Yes, I do…Look, I can take millennia to explain it to you, draw charts, put on a slide show, or you can just let me do this. You really don't have a choice. Neither one of us has a choice! I have to get you two together or…"

"Or what?"

"Or I spend the rest of your life trapped in your body," Q said, the prospect making him shudder.

"Would you repeat that?"

"You heard me. Just the two of us, forever—forever, as far as you're concerned—living together under one roof. Until the day you die! Doesn't that sound cozy?"

"Oh."

"Yes. Oh. The prospect doesn't thrill me either!"

"This is a trick!"

"You have every reason to believe that. So, let's go with it.

"Yes, I want to trick you into having Kathryn as your wife and being happy for the rest of your life and I want to trick you into getting me out of this adorable mortal coil instead of staying here until the end of your days. It's all part of my convoluted plan!"

"Wife?"

_tbc__---_


	20. Love Hurts

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 20  
_J/C Angst ahead._

Love Hurts

- - - - -

Chakotay returned to his room, expecting Kathryn to be gone. To his surprise, she was there, looking out the expansive portal in his quarters. Her beauty against the stars and in her lovely dress made him catch his breath. He loved to see her with her hair down, flowing about her shoulders, a rare visual treat. He hoped to see her that way a lot more.

His wife? Chakotay was still reeling from that word. He loved the sound of that word. Wife. My wife. My Kathryn.

_"To hell with you, Q!" he said in his mind. "I can do this! I have to do this!"_

_"That's the spirit!" Q encouraged "I'll be out of here by midnight!"_

Chakotay walked to her slowly, carefully as if he would break the spell. He joined her and looked out the window.

"Are you feeling alright?" she asked him.

"Never been better," he lied.

"I hoped we could avoid this discussion," she told him.

"You mean the one where you tell me that protocols and regulations prohibit any liaison between the Captain and any one of her crew."

"I thought we had established guidelines between us."

"If I'm not mistaken, it was you who has always drawn lines and established parameters."

He watched her facial muscles spasm, belying the emotions she was trying to hide.

"You will have to understand. I'm sorry, Chakotay. Good night." She looked at him with regretful eyes, then down and started to turn to leave.

Normally, he would acquiesce to her wishes and allow her to pass. He would dutifully and obediently say "Goodnight." Then he would see her in the morning and act as if nothing happened between them. The next day he would function on the bridge as a mechanical, perfect robot, as if he did not have feelings for her deeper than any canyon Earth had to offer. And live with the pain, regret and remorse that was tearing him to pieces.

"We never finished our dance."

"Yes," she corrected severely, "we did."

To her complete surprise, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her toward him once again. She was caught off guard by his actions, expecting him to obey her. Before she could object, quote regulations, leave, shout, order or command, his lips were against hers.

Chakotay drew back a fraction of an inch, amazed at the power of the gentle kiss. He imagined that their first kiss would be desperate and hungry, yet this was tender and reminded him of dewdrops on a summer flower. His heart soared.

He was aware that Q was still there, but had 'stood back' and allowed them to their own moment. He was telling the truth!

Sweetly, reluctantly, she turned her head, signaling that she would allow him to kiss her again, as if she could not believe the first had occurred and wanted to check.

They took each other in. The smokescreens were gone. Their lips met again and then again, until their heads were spinning.

Then she stopped, drew in her breath as if she were drawing strength from the life support system. She put her hand to his upper arm, separating herself from him as if she had just remembered something.

_"Now what's the problem?" Q couldn't help but say. "I thought that was it!"_

"You know we can't…" she began, and choked up.

_"I knew this would happen!" Q said, in disgust_

"Chakotay, I'm sorry!"

Chakotay felt Q push him toward her. _"Get her, tiger!"_

"_No! She is going to kill me!" _Chakotay objected as he struggled to resist both her and Q and lost the battle.

_"Just watch out for her powerful hind quarters! Don't let her get away with this, Chakotay! Remember your Grandfather's admonitions! Be a man!"_

Chakotay found himself saying what Q was prompting. It began that way but then Q ceased being able to keep up when Chakotay took over. Then the words began coming from his heart alone.

"Kathryn, you want to do what is right, for yourself, for the crew, and I hope, for me."

"Yes, I do," she told him sadly.

"Tell me, what part of what we just did felt wrong?"

"I…"

"How did it feel? When you kissed me?"

"Thank you for a…lovely evening. I'm very sorry…" Emotion welled up in her chest as she headed for his door. She knew very well that his kiss affected her.

_"Don't you dare let her leave!"_

"You can't go! Answer me. Truthfully!"

He took her arm and abruptly spun her around to face him. He thought he might have to duck, but instead of anger on her face, he saw tears.

"When you are on the bridge, commanding the crew, do you stop being a woman?" Chakotay asked, his voice becoming louder.

"I have other things on my mind!" she objected.

"So do I but I don't stop being a man, not for a second," he told her. "I watch you, so carefully, watch your grace, your strength and I want you Kathryn. I've wanted you for a very long time."

She bolted away. "That's enough! Good night Commander!"

"I have one great regret. That we never made love on New Earth. There were no reasons, no barriers or rules. You were no longer my commanding officer. There was no hierarchy or faceless, mindless authority to answer to. You knew the likelihood of ever seeing Mark again. We could have had that, Kathryn. We both wanted it, needed each other. We still do."

"No," she lied.

"Why did you want to leave New Earth so desperately? Leave me? Tell me and I'll let you go. Tell me one real reason, why the two of us cannot become one. Why you should not marry me. Why we can't continue as a team, in one of the most normal, and natural states a man and woman can share."

"I won't tell you this again," she said dangerously. "Let me go!"

"Kathryn, I have been studying the rules, regulations, and protocols, very closely. The regs are in place to prevent a Captain from using her authority to coerce crewmembers into unwanted relationships. They exist to give the legal teams power to prosecute sexual harassment and abuse of authority. There is nothing prohibiting a long term, devoted relationship, a normal relationship between two command personnel who love each other.

"Why are you hiding behind regulations from another Quadrant? They're just words in a computer written by a bunch of soulless, mindless, heartless, self-important Officials whose only job consists of sitting behind a marble desk in a glass office, making idiotic rules for other people's lives!"

He drew himself closely to her, without touching. He looked into her eyes and she looked back, desperately trying to look away.

"I know how you feel about Starfleet. Loud and clear. Commander," she resorted. "I must give you a verbal warning to stop…"

"Why only a verbal warning? Why not put me on report? It's my job to assist you in these matters. Let me do it," he insisted. "Computer. Captain's log. Commander Chakotay reporting for Captain Janeway."

"Stop it!" she croaked.

"Commander Chakotay is placed on full disciplinary notice, pending further investigation and court martial. His actions are against my high Starfleet ideals and contrary to all that I hold dear.

"He has caused me to feel emotions, and I don't like to feel emotions. He has caused me to feel weak and I don't like to feel weak. He has attempted to make me feel love, and I'm afraid of love. He has therefore caused me to feel fear, and I don't…

"Enough!" she cried.

"But, Captain, isn't that what the report should read?" he continued to block her way, the emotions felt over the years tumbling out of him like rushing waters from a ravaged dam.

"Get out of my way, Commander!"

"No," he flatly refused. "There I go. I've disobeyed a direct order. Should I call Tuvok? Would you like to issue another reprimand and put me in the brig, for loving you? I believe that's the key issue."

Q could not get a word in edgewise, but he approved of the proceedings. Maybe a direct frontal attack would work. It was a tact that Chakotay had never tried before.

"Maybe the key issue is, I'm making you love me back, or I am making you realize that you love me. What do you call it when an Officer sways another Officer to commit an illegal action? I'm a little fuzzy on _your_ interpretation of the rule books."

She implored him with her eyes to stop. She trembled with emotion and tried to calm herself without succeeding. He finally put his arms around her and the floodgates broke. She sobbed into his chest, with an occasional 'damn you' between sobs.

"Too late, Kathryn," he said softly. "You've already damned me to the hell of living in between. Being with you day after day without…" he choked up. Q was sitting in the background, filing his virtual nails and waiting for the emotions to go their natural course.

_"Nice work!" Q complimented. "I don't think I'm going to want to be a vegetarian, though. We're going to have to switch to meat. If I must live as an animal, I'm going to live as an animal! Canines and all!"_

Chakotay ignored the crack, not exactly certain what he meant, his implication, as his attention was on Kathryn.

"It had to be said," Chakotay said aloud to Q and to her. "I've held my tongue for too many years."

_"After we get out of the brig, I think we're going to get to know a few other crewmen, and by 'crewmen' I mean those delicious Delaney girls first, then Seven of Nine--who has a big crush on you -- Brooks and a few others. With your looks and my style, we can have them all."_

"Why don't you shut up for once?" Chakotay demanded aloud but as softly as he could.

Kathryn spent some time crying on his chest and feeling guilty. Finally, she pulled herself together. The two of them were still standing there, holding on to each other. Chakotay's music program had long since ended, leaving them in silence with only a star field moving around them.

When he looked at her face, she was gaining her usual control.

_"You know, the brig doesn't appeal to me. We can escape, and then maybe find a nice M Class pleasure planet instead of staying here. Work as a cabana boy. Lots of good food, drink, women…" Q suggested. "I'm just a gigolo…" Q began to sing._

"I cannot and will not discuss this any longer, Mr. Chakotay," she told him levelly, no longer allowing emotions to have power.

_"She is really practiced at that. She could give lessons to the Vulcans!" Q observed._

She pushed him aside, yet he persisted and tried again to keep her with him. Kathryn automatically demonstrated her skills with Tai Chi. Years of training and practice made it so much a part of her being, she did not even realize she had done it; it was such a subtle but powerful shift of her opponent's

Within a split second, Chakotay was falling over, his body mass and muscular build working against him. Startled by her own moves, she made an effort to steady him, but it was too late. He was lunging toward the floor. She brought her hand around and attempted to hold him up. Instead, she accidentally smashed his face dead center with full force and her open palm. In slow motion, Chakotay continued his descent as blood burst in all directions from his broken nose. Kathryn shouted "No!" as if her objection could order the injury not to happen.

Chakotay's fall was the first domino to trigger all that was happening to them.

She watched as he fell to the deck. His body appeared to fall in sections, as the mental trick of apparent slow motion caused all events to take triple time. Against his will or knowledge, his legs kicked out with the power of strong reflexes. He inadvertently tripped Kathryn, causing her to join the tumble. Her head hit hard on the dinner table edge, which smashed the entire tabletop, and propelled every object into their own slow motion trajectories.

Kathryn stared for a moment at the broken blooms, the once beautiful bouquet that he had brought to decorate their dinner. The blooms that meant, "I want to love you" were a ragged heap on the floor along with the two officers. Kathryn managed to signal a medical emergency to the computer before she passed out.

_tbc…._

_Oh, Gawd! Have I written another ST-V novella? As for my writing hobby, I had been bone dry for ideas. I wanted to write another story with Q as "Q-pid". I had a false start with the "Q's on First" travesty (though peeps said they enjoyed it!) and then nada, nil, nix, zero, zip. Then last week or so, this came to me and I was off to the races. Thanks for joining me! Enjoy!_


	21. Q Vitus

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 21

Kathryn still in Sickbay

Q Vitus

- - - -

_"I think I might like to pilot a ship. We could get a little runabout and wander around the Delta. I've never had to do it that way, what with being able zap myself to any place in the Universe at my whim. It might be interesting." _

Q was droning in his head as Chakotay slowly awoke in Sickbay.

_"What am I saying? This is horrid! All horrid! I want out of this body! This was a set up! A trap! They knew that woman would rather kill you than love you! I mean, who wouldn't? Answer me that, Squiggle Head! Answer me that!" _

The Doctor had skillfully reconstructed Chakotay's busted nose, but his face still showed signs of injuries that only time could cure. Bruised and swollen flesh puffed his tan features. His heart, the most ravaged part of him, sustained irrevocable injuries. He had no will to live. The finality of Kathryn's rejection, coupled with Q's presence made him consider—What? He did not know, but he knew he could not live this way.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Tom said softly. "How do you feel?"

_"How does he think we feel?" Q grumbled. "Shouldn't he be on the bridge steering us into quantum singularity or some space anomaly on a Tetris tertryon tetracycline beam or something?" _

"How do you think?" Chakotay spat.

"OK then. I take that as a 'better, thank you,'" Tom sassed back.

"I'm sorry, Tom," Chakotay quickly apologized. "Am I going to become like you?" Chakotay asked Q sadly, realizing that living with an inner Q for the rest of his life was on the docket. He was beginning to take on some of Q's traits. "Am I going to become a crazy, sarcastic, ba…?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tom and Q said simultaneously. Tom was checking readings.

"Ah, finally!" The Doctor chimed in as he appeared. The Computer had signaled him that Chakotay was awake. "Status, Mr. Paris."

"He seems to be disoriented. Just asked me an odd question."

"Disorientation would be a natural occurrence at this stage," the Doctor told his part time assistant, Tom, while checking Chakotay's scans. "If the Captain's strike had forced that bone another centimeter, he would have sustained mortal brain damage and died within seconds. How's the Captain?"

_"I'm so glad he's improved his bedside manner," Q said with caustic sarcasm. "In another time, he would have been declaring us dead and launching our carcass into space while caterwauling a solemn chorus of 'Amazing Grace!'." _

"Would you just shut up?" Chakotay burst out.

"Mmm. Odd. Mr. Chakotay, do you know who I am? Do you know where you are?"

Chakotay looked at the Doctor through blurred vision. "I'm…in Sickbay."

"Mmm. I don't see anything unusual on his scans, but this sort of speaking out behavior may indicate something deeper is occurring within his physiology."

_"Dolt!" Q called the Doctor."Moron! Idiot! Primitive Electronic Witch Doctor!" _

"You are a piece of work," Chakotay told Q with disgust.

"Now see here…" The Doctor said indignantly.

"Wait a minute Doc!" Tom said. "He's not talking to you."

"That is not a good sign. This is an anti-hallucinationatory agent." The Doctor put a hypospray to his patient's neck, but Chakotay grabbed his hand and fended off the drug.

"No! I don't need that! I'm not hallucinating!" Chakotay said with force and conviction.

"Hold it," Tom told the Doctor. "I think there could be something else going on with him."

"You are merely an assistant and a trainee, Mr. Paris. You are not qualified to make medical assessments and certainly not decisions."

"Listen to him, Doctor!" Chakotay ordered, hoping he could still order anyone on the ship.

"I may not know medicine, Doctor, but I know Chakotay. He has not been acting like himself for several days."

The Doctor looked disgusted with the two of them, but acquiesced. "Very well. I will study him more closely."

"Thank you," Chakotay and Tom said together.

"Do you two bicker all day long in here?" Kathryn demanded.

"Not all day, Captain," Tom told her. "Sometimes he shuts himself off."

"May I give Mr. Chakotay an analgesic or do I need to file an application with the Starfleet Medical Association?" The Doctor asked sarcastically.

"As your physician," The Doctor said loudly to both Chakotay and Kathryn. "I must strongly warn you against participating in Klingon mating rituals or any other type of extreme sex play…"

"Doctor!" Kathryn barked. "That is NOT what happened."

"No, Doctor," Chakotay added bitterly. "It seems that the Captain does not participate in any mating rituals at all with any living being! She likes holograms!"

Kathryn lay back on her pillow, holding her head as if the act could stop the pain of her throbbing cranium.

"You can leave at any time, Mr. Paris. Your shift is over," the Doctor told Tom petulantly. He went to check Kathryn's readings.

Tom looked from Chakotay to the Captain. "I'll be on the bridge if you need anything," he said to them. "The Doctor hates it when symptoms and readings don't add up, Chakotay. Makes him tetchy."

"You and B'Elanna," Chakotay spoke to Tom with the chip on his shoulder at the ready. "Are you serious with her, or is she just another conquest?"

Tom was surprised at Chakotay's abrupt personal question.

"Chakotay," Tom drew closer to him and spoke quietly, so that the Captain would not hear. "Have you ever been completely and totally head-over-heels, hell-bent-for-glory, come-what-may, I'm-all-hers in love?" Tom said dreamily.

Chakotay turned away.

_"Is he a complete dimwit?" Q asked. _

"Yes," Chakotay said with frustration to Q, but Tom thought he was answering about Janeway.

Tom realized what he had just said and done.

"Damn, Chakotay! I didn't mean…I just meant….Yes, I'm very much in love with B'Elanna. Can I take her to the prom?"

"That's all I wanted to know," Chakotay said abruptly. "Because, if it were otherwise Paris, I would throttle you with my bare hands then smash your face into a bulkhead."

The two bucks stared each other down before for several long moments before they both broke into laughter.

"Be home by midnight!" Chakotay joked. "B'Elanna is my little sister in many ways."

"Now, what is going on with you? I know you've had physical trauma, but what else is going on?"

_"None of his business," Q sulked, still smarting himself from this recent incident with Kathryn. _

"Nothing," Chakotay lied and closed up again.

"You can't con me, Chakotay. Never could. You wear your heart on your sleeve, as they used to say in olden times. What happened at that dinner to make Janeway break your nose?"

Chakotay grumbled unintelligibly, then said, "She didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident."

"That's a hellava accident."

"Is she all right?" Chakotay asked, realizing that Kathryn was injured as well. "How is she?"

_"How is she? She's a menace, that's how she is!" Q interjected. "That's twice she beat us! On the same day, in two a different timelines!" _

"She's been issuing commands from her biobed. Back to normal."

Chakotay sighed with relief for her recovery and with exasperation for her lack of change. Nothing he said or did would matter to her. She had made up her mind and no power in the Universe could alter that, not even Q.

"I'm sorry, Commander. We don't have anything on this whole ship to cure a love sick ex-Maquis," Tom said with sympathy. "If you need to talk, I'm a good listener."

_"Shouldn't we be listening to syrupy violins, or something? I think I'm nauseated. Is this nauseated?" _

Chakotay had to stop himself from another 'shut up' aloud, so he thought it to Q as hard as he could. His stomach did begin to turn, prompted, no doubt, by Q's reaction to Tom's sincere attempt to help.

"I think I'm beyond help and hope," Chakotay leveled with Tom. "I know that now."

Tom looked down, feeling inadequate to help the big dopey Dorvian.

"Have you looked in the mirror, Chakotay?"

"What? Is my face...?"

"I'm not talking about superficial injuries. There must be seven or eight women—that I can name off the top of my head— on this ship that are crazy about you. Haven't you noticed them?"

"I never thought…"

"Including, well, I'm not going to say who, but you can pick and choose. You're too …"

"I don't want anyone else. Every other woman is invisible to me."

_"Now I am really going to be sick!" Q complained. "Can't we end this pointless discussion?" _

"Chakotay! You're too good for this! You're too intelligent, spiritual, kind, strong, heroic, admirable, and I don't mean this in any other way than I mean it, you're too good looking!"

"Thanks Tom. I think you're cute too," Chakotay joked with a sardonic look. "If you weren't involved with B'Elanna, we could give it a go…"

"Fine," Tom threw his hands up with exasperation. "The Doctor wants you stay here for observation. You did have a near miss and…"

_"He wants to say you've been weird, odd, strange, coo-coo, as if courting Her Royal Majesty was anything but weird, odd, strange, and completely insane. And for once, I have to agree with him." _

"This whole thing was your idea! I would have never done that if you did not…" Chakotay cried aloud to Q, making Tom very worried. "You've only made it worse!"

"Doctor, I think you should check Chakotay!"

Kathryn was at his side, before the Doctor could make it.

_"Oh no! She started it and he'll finish us off! At least your life will all be over swiftly! I can see your head stone now: Here lies Chakotay…" _

"That's enough out of you!" Chakotay burst. "I don't want a headstone! I don't want anything! Just kill me now!"

She put her hand on the side of his head, "Shhh. Chakotay. You are going to be all right."

"No thanks to you!" Q and Chakotay burst out. Q meant Kathryn. Chakotay meant Q.

"Take it easy," Tom said, deeply concerned. He put his hand on Chakotay's shoulder. "We'll find out who you're talking to, and fix it."

"I wish you would," Chakotay said, sincerely. "I wish you could."

"Come to finish the job, Captain?" Chakotay, Q and Tom said all at once. Tom was joking. Chakotay wasn't and Q was genuinely terrified.

"Alright, perhaps I deserved that, but no, I haven't," she retorted. "I came to see how you were, Commander." She put her hand on the side of his head again.

"Don't touch me!" Chakotay insisted, slapping her hand away.

_"Good for you, Chakotay! Make her stand over there!" Q demanded. "Should a hazard like her even be allowed in a Sickbay? What is with that drug wielding holo-doc? Doesn't he protect his patients? She's a danger to herself and others." _

Chakotay fell back on his bed with a sigh, wearied by Q's endless diatribes. If she only knew. Now she was damning two lost souls to a fate worse than death.

"You know what your problem is?" Chakotay burst out at Q. "You're spoiled! You're an idiotic, rotten infant who has had every privilege handed to him on a silver platter! You don't feel pain, or desire, or misery like us mere mortals that you want to crush with your boot heels. You don't have needs! Whatever you want, you just take! Maybe they were right to do this too you! Maybe they were right!" Chakotay broke into storm force gales of frustrated tears.

_"Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Because that recrimination is so very constructive. You have completely put me in my place, and I will reform my ways." Q told him with bitter sarcasm. _

"To whom is he speaking?" Kathryn asked as the Doctor frowned at the readings.

"He's not talking to anyone in this room," the Doctor told them. "I have a theory, but it doesn't add up."

_tbc…. _

_(Note: I've been having trouble uploading files to ff dot net. Sorry if the updates are slower–AnitaLife) _


	22. Wild Theories and Mad Speculation

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 22

Wild Theories and Mad Speculation

_- - - - - - - - _

Chakotay's emotions settled, but he appeared disconnected from the outside world. He kept arguing with his invisible enemy.

"Captain, I believe you should stay away from him until we know what is happening," The Doctor told her. "He is obviously upset with you and we need to calm him down."

_"Good__ I've always __said I __liked your Doctor hologram," Q stated._

"In a moment, Doctor. Have you checked the status of Mr. Chakotay's genetic correction?" she demanded, ignoring his request.

The Doctor sighed, as if he were at the end of his rope with a dim-witted child. "Of course I have. That is why his behavior does not add up with any physical factors. There are no anomalies in his DNA. His genetic make-up has not been impacted."

_"It won't matter, since he won't be passing it along __to her __any __time too soon," Q observed, to Chakotay's chagrin._

"Could this be a side effect of his encounter with Chaotic Space?" Tom ventured.

"Again, I've checked for any residual effect or vestige from Chaotic Space. There is no connection between what he is experiencing now and the Chaotic Space incident. And, no, before you ask: he has no Borg nanoprobes, no radiation, no subcutaneous implants, no tissue degradation, no residual effects caused by his encounter with the Kazon and Seska, no octopoidal fetuses maturing in his chest cavity …

"I get the picture, Doctor," Kathryn said through gritted teeth. She paced for a moment, her hand to her head.

"What about Q?" she asked, out of the blue.

"What?" Tom asked, some ideas rushing into his own head about living with Chakotay over the last few days.

"Q? Why or how he would be involved with Chakotay?" The Doctor asked.

"No, she's right Doc. The other day he was practically giving B'Elanna away to me," Tom informed them. "Today he was asking if I'm even serious about her."

"That is simply consistent with erratic behavior throughout this incident," the Doctor told them. "Why would you say it had anything to do with Q?"

"I don't know, Doctor. It's just a hunch," she said, her hand to her mouth. "What if this isn't even Chakotay? What if it's Q?"

"If I must dignify your 'hunch' with an answer, I am familiar with Starfleet/Q encounters, including our meetings with him. Chakotay has demonstrated no Q like powers."

"What if, what if that were just a smoke screen and what if he were using to Chakotay to try to mate with me?"

"Really, Captain. This is getting us nowhere. What if Chakotay is really the next evolutionary step of the Regulan Bloodworm and has been all along?" The Doctor asked sarcastically. "What if he were really a pandimensional astral projection from another Universe come to warn us that our species left the iron on in the house?"

"Doctor…" Kathryn began.

"If there are no more stupid questions, wild theories, rampant speculation, or ersatz medical recommendations, then I would like Commander Chakotay to get some rest," the Doctor told them both. "Captain Janeway, your condition is stable and you may leave Sickbay and return to light duty."

Tom and Kathryn hesitated.

"Do I need to make this an order?"

"No, Sir," Tom agreed. "Good night, Chakotay. Let me know if you need anything."

"I'll be on the Bridge, Doctor," Kathryn told him, as she turned to leave.

"Ready Room," the Doctor corrected. "I said light duty!"

"Perhaps I will visit tomorrow and…"

"No! Right now!" Chakotay insisted, suddenly rising from the bio-bed and paying dearly for it in pain and blood displacement. The Doctor and Tom steadied him and helped him back to bed.

"I resign, Captain," Chakotay told her levelly.

"Commander Chakotay, I will not accept that from you until you are fully recovered and can think straight," she told him.

"I'm perfectly lucid!" Chakotay said adamantly. "I'm leaving Voyager as soon as I can find a suitable planet to live! If not, then before!"

"We can discuss this when you are healed!" she leveled and turned on her heels and left.

_"__Or when you are heeled__, the way she likes you best__!"_

"That's enough!" Chakotay burst, no longer caring that his words had no impact on the loquacious Q residing in his mind.

_"__It's a__mazing how well she can get aroun__d without a broomstick," Q said in the breeze of Kathryn's wake._

"Oh, Spirits of my Ancestors help me! I still love her!"

_"Oh, Q Continuum, __get me out of here!"_

_tbc…_


	23. Janeway's Quarters

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 23

Janeway Holes Up

- - - - - -

A few days later, Q had finally figured out that if he stopped goading Chakotay at every opportunity, they would both get out of Sickbay. Q was abnormally reticent and Chakotay was feeling steady.

The Doctor allowed Chakotay leave as long as he wore a medical monitor. However recovered, Chakotay adamantly refused any Starfleet duties. He wended his way to Astrometrics to try to locate a planet. Instead, he found himself telling Seven she was a lovely girl, but he was not the one for her.

"I will be sorry to see you leave, Chakotay," she told him. "Since you are no longer a member of Starfleet, I am under no obligation to help you find a planet. However, it seems that you are requesting a favor. It is customary for a favor to be returned."

_"Here we go!" Q rejoiced._

"A favor? Certainly. What did you have in mind, Seven?" Chakotay asked, jovially.

"A kiss. I would really like it, if you performed my first kiss?"

Chakotay's smile disappeared, replaced by the look of one who had just discovered a bombshell under his seat.

"'Performed?'" he said, stunned at her choice of words.

_"__Ahh__Goodie! Things are finally looking up! Play this right, and we won't be sleeping alone again!__"_

"Seven, that is very flattering, however, I would prefer for your sake that your first kiss be with someone…"

"Forget that I made the request," she turned away again. "I will look for your planet."

"Seven…"

She shrugged him away, obviously upset. Tears welled up in her big doe eyes as she turned back to her station. Wordlessly, he left her there, alone.

_"I am never speaking to you again!"__ Q stomped about in his mind._

"That would be a great relief!"

- - - --

"I wonder how long it'll last this time?" Megan thought aloud. "I'm out!"

"She's been in there for over two weeks now!" Jenny replied. "Three."

"I believe that's the record," Tom said.

"It wouldn't be so bad if Chakotay were running things, like last time!" Harry observed. "One."

"Tuvok has brought morale down to an all time low!" Neelix griped. "Not even my Ice Cold Smothered Leola Root Cocktail with Splorbath Broth would help now."

"No, Neelix, that would not help," Tom told him sincerely, thinking about the ghastly dish and studying his hand. "Any cards?"

Neelix shook his head, "No."

"Do you think he's really leaving? Doesn't he want to get back to the Alpha Quadrant?" Jenny asked, wide eyed at the prospect.

"Fifty more years with her? Seeing her every day? Hearing her voice? Taking her orders?" Tom said and then thought. "I think I'm going with him!"

"Tom! What about me?" B'Elanna asked indignantly.

"You can come with us!"

"Gee, thanks. You're all heart."

"How about a little side bet?" Tom asked.

"Oh no! Here we go!" B'Elanna moaned. "Don't you ever learn?"

"When do you think she'll emerge from her quarters? Rations or Holodeck Time."

"Tuvok!" B'Elanna shouted.

Tom stood up, expecting a hefty reprimand. He turned and stood at attention but Tuvok was nowhere to be seen. The group laughed their heads off.

"You should have seen the look on your face!" Harry gasped with glee. "Priceless!"

"Thanks, Dearest," Tom snarked to B'Elanna. "I really wanted a heart attack for a wedding gift!"

"I'll give you a heart attack!" she told him suggestively.

B'Elanna leaned over and kissed Tom playfully but they both became more involved with each other and continued kissing despite their annoyed friends.

"Oh, but what a way to die!" Tom said in between kisses.

"Will you two get a shuttle?" Harry said, as the group tossed snacks at the overtly demonstrative couple.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Kathryn allowed Tuvok to enter her quarters. She was clad in yesterday's tee shirt and loose fitting pants. Tuvok noticed her sunken cheeks and dark eye circles. Her health was dwindling and he was concerned.

"I must request that you resume your duties as Captain," he told her without preamble or pleasantries.

She stood slowly and walked to him. "Tuvok, I'm sorry, but I am not fit for duty at this time."

"While I am an excellent administrator, I lack, shall we say, human qualities that make for a leader, the qualities that both you and Chakotay possess."

"I don't think that's true, that you lack any type of leadership qualities, human or otherwise."

He paused. "The crew thinks that I do not notice, but they are not happy under my command. There is a distinct loss of morale throughout the ship and I am concerned."

"You are too hard on yourself, Tuvok."

"I can say the same to you as well. Perhaps you could be on the bridge for a few hours each day and allow me to handle the routine work."

"I don't see how that is even possible at this point," she told him. "When is Chakotay leaving?"

"In 9 point 7 days," he informed her. "A suitable planet has been located and is well within our course. It harbors a minimum humanoid population, verdant plant growth and a thriving variety of fauna and other life forms. The natives are of a spacefaring race; they have colonized three of their eight moons. To avoid cultural contamination, Mr. Chakotay has agreed to reside in a rural setting and live off the land, avoiding any unnecessary contact with the population."

She put her hand to her face. The thought of Chakotay living in isolation on an alien planet tore her heart to shreds.

"Have you asked that he reconsider?" she said weakly.

"Repeatedly, as have other crew." he informed her. Tuvok stood even more upright than he was. "Captain, I hereby request permission to speak freely."

"Always, Tuvok," she told him. "I am always open to your words."

"I am not certain that what I have to say will meet with your approval, however I believe it must be said."

"Go on."

"It was once a closely guarded secret, but the Vulcan Pon Farr is now familiar to some Starfleet personnel."

"Yes," she said. "Are you…"

"No, I am merely using it as an example. You know that if a Vulcan does not mate at this time, he or she will die."

"Yes, of course, I…" The lightbulb went off.

"I have studied human culture and historical accounts with regard to this matter. It appears that humans can also die from a broken heart or unrequited love."

"It's not the same."

"Yes, I am aware that the analogy is fraught with fault, however, I have observed that since your break with Mr. Chakotay, you have been, for lack of a better word, dying."

She put her head down and sobbed a dry, silent cry. She had cried so much over the last two weeks that she no longer had the strength or the tears.

"I have observed a similar phenomenon with Chakotay. He has become introverted, isolating himself from the crew with whom he once socialized. He too is dying," he told her. "Do you not think that this is so?"

Her head was spinning. "Tuvok, what can I do?" she whispered.

"I recommend that you reconcile with him. I am not prone to gossip but I am aware of what the crew is saying. Is it true that Mr. Chakotay has proposed marriage? Perhaps you should accept."

She looked shocked for a moment. "That is out of the question, Tuvok."

"Is it? Why?"

"It's against…" she could not remember what it was 'against'.

"It would appear that such a liaison would be beneficial for the well being of yourself and Mr. Chakotay and therefore be of great benefit to this ship and crew. In short, the two of you appear to be suffering from the human equivalent of Pon Farr. You are devoted to this ship and her crew. They need you to function properly. Therefore, you must be fully functional and able to fill the role of Captain. Therefore a bonding with Chakotay seems to be a viable option and a step toward the health and well being of two crucial Officers."

"You're logic is…" she began. "It's a bit of leap."

"I do not think there is normal logic in this situation. I have often found that logic breaks down in matters regarding humans and especially in what you term, 'matters of the heart'. It is said that the heart compels humans to act against logic and judgment. Just as it does with Vulcans when they are in the throes of Pon Farr. The solution may not be logical, but it is a viable answer."

"It's not that simple!"

"You have 9 point 7 days to reconcile with Chakotay. I strongly recommend that you do so, for the good of yourselves and all concerned."

"Thank you, Tuvok. That will be all. Dismissed."

He left, obediently without questioning her further. She turned out the lights and pondered Tuvok's words, running them obsessively in her mind.

The hardest thing she had ever done was refusing Chakotay the love she had for him. Would she have to do something even more difficult in order for them both to survive and get the Voyager crew back to normal?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

_tbc__…._


	24. Last Ditch Effort

The Q Must Be Crazy

Part 24

- - - - - - - -

Chakotay rested in his quarters, staring out his picture window into the blackness of space. Even Q seemed despondent and remained quiet. The doorbell chimed and before he thought, Chakotay said, "Come in." He bolted upright in an instant.

_"__Wah__ What is it? Oh. Her," Q said, as if aw__a__ken__ed__ from __a cozy snooze__ "Get rid of her. I want to get back to sleep."_

"My sentiments exactly," Chakotay said to Q.

"Hello," she ventured as she walked in with uncertain steps.

"What do you want?" Chakotay asked, more acerbic than he would have liked. "I thought you were holed up in your quarters."

She shifted her weight uneasily. "Yes. I supposed you could put it that way."

"I have found a place to go. The countryside of a small planet. I'll live off the land and keep to myself."

"Is that what you really want?" she asked, slowly, shifting her weight uneasily. "It sounds so lonely."

"I don't see an alternative," he told her, finally noticing how drawn she looked. She had lost weight and her skin looked sallow and blotchy.

_"Say it! Say it, __dammit__!"__ Q urged. "This might be our last chance!"_

"Unless you marry me," Chakotay blurted at Q's goading.

_"__Look at her face! __She's__ lost what little weigh she had! __At least __this has__ cost her some grief! Small solace, but I'm enjoying it."_

"You know I never wanted to hurt you, in any way," she said sadly. "I've never had a chance to say I'm sorry for the way our dinner ended."

"It's not important any longer, Captain," he told her, with detachment. "I don't care what happens to me, as long as I'm not here."

Kathryn winced at his words.

_"What was that? Was that an emotion? Does she allow those?" Q said with amazement._

"I care," she said in a whisper, her heart in her throat.

Chakotay could only smile and huff a scoffing laugh through his teeth.

"I hope you find what you're looking for, Captain," he said, spitting out her title. "If you'll excuse me, I'm feeling tired," Chakotay told her.

_"__No no! __That's__ not the way! __What is the point of this, Chakotay?" Q said with __disgust. __"__Unless…"_

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here. I…"

Chakotay moved closer to Kathryn and his bearing changed when Q took hold. He took her hand in his and held her fingers to his lips.

"I guess I'll never get over you," he admitted, reluctantly. "But, that's alright. I'm not the first man with a broken heart and I won't be the last. Hurting for you is worth every moment."

Kathryn pulled her hand away out of habit.

"I don't want you to leave, Chakotay," she said with the last of her strength.

"Oh?"

"I need you as my First Officer," she informed him, trying to sound strong, but failing.

"I need you more!" he said closely into her ear from behind her, his hand on her shoulder. "I need you more," he whispered. "I need you as a woman."

Kathryn was surprised by his shift of attitude, but she continued. "You asked me a lot of questions that I couldn't answer that night. I have had a lot of time to think about the answers."

He pulled hair off her neck and stroked her alabaster skin tenderly with just the tips of his fingers.

She shivered under his attentions, wanting to give herself to him.

"I don't need any answers but that you hold me, Kathryn," he said seductively and then ran his lips over her neck, which she offered to him. "Touch me, Kathryn. You do like to touch me, don't you?"

"I'm, I," she stuttered. "I'm sorry!" she said as she ran, yet again.

Chakotay stood stunned and Q was disgusted.

_"It was worth a try," Q said._

"Maybe not," Chakotay answered. "I don't know how many times I can take being rejected by her."

- - - - - - - - -

Alone again in his quarters with only Q as his constant companion, Chakotay grabbed his medicine bundle, and slumped to the floor, overcome by the grief of the situation.

_"Oh, not this!__ Are you seriously going to talk to your dead Ancestors?" Q prodded.__"__I avoid dead people. They are much too maudlin."_

Chakotay grasped his Akoonah, yet the calm he required eluded him. He was unable to reach any state that allowed him to contact his guide, even with his powerful aid. He invoked his spirit guide repeatedly until it sounded more like a chant than a prayer.

_"I'm your Spirit Guide now, Chakotay!" Q informed him, with a booming voice. "I am your Alpha and your Omega of the Delta!"_

"No!" Chakotay denied. He desperately tried again to meditate, his new determination made it imperative.

_"No, I'm not, Chakotay. Relax." Q said. "I've just always wanted to say that to someone__ and it seemed like a good opportunity__."_

The last time Chakotay felt this despondent, he had just learned that the Cardassian forces had ravaged his home world and his family could not be found. That was when he felt his only option was to leave Starfleet and join the Maquis. If he had not taken that path, he would not be here now. He would have never had to evade enemies by journeying to the Badlands. He would have never been pursued by or even met Kathryn Janeway. He would not have been swept into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker.

Cut off as he was from the solace and guidance of the spirit realm, Chakotay's sense of hopelessness overcame him. He collapsed into a fitful sleep on the floor in a twisted position while he was still desperately grasping the Akoonah.

Images swirled toward him. He felt he was hurdling over a bleak landscape, yet he was aware that he was in a dream but he was lucid and could control his movements, up to a point. Rocks and red sand passed rapidly by underneath him as his dream body followed the roller coaster landscape. It appeared he was about to collide with the ground, which rapidly approached him. As he fell, he chose to slow down and land gently without a transition as if he had been on the ground all along.

Nothing here seemed familiar. Normally his Spirit Walks ushered him to places reminiscent of his homeworld, or even a place he had visited in his travels that held significance. This place was bleak, barren, foreboding. There was one blessed advantage; he was free of Q. He searched within and found no jeering voice or bitter attitude.

He called out for help, as he often did. No answer. He asked why was being punished. What was the purpose of the sentence of having Q in his body and mind? Why was he so hopelessly in love with Kathryn, who could not or would not return his devotion?

Q walked up behind him, bent down and placed his hand gently on his back. "Come on Chakotay. Come back. This won't help."

"What can we do, Q? Neither of us can exist this way."

"Unless your Kathryn has a change of heart, we're stuck with one another. I know I haven't made it any easier. Come back. I promise to make an effort with you to make both our lives more livable."

Q allowed Chakotay a moment of silence, then stood up and put his hand out. There was genuine sympathy in his big eyes.

As they walked away together, Q imitated Rick from Casa Blanca. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Chakotay laughed a small chuckle. "I hope so, Q. You're all I have left."

"Great, now I'm depressed," Q stated wryly, eliciting another small smile from Chakotay.

"Come here, you big lunk head!" Q said and suddenly wrapped his arms around Chakotay in a comforting, virtual embrace.

Chakotay awoke with a shudder but felt a little bit better. He was actually assuaged by Q's demonstration of, what was that? Affection? Attempt at offering comfort?

_"Don't you __**ever**__ tell anyone I did __that!__"__ Q demanded._

"Why?" Chakotay asked, straightening out his twisted, aching limbs.

_"Well, you'__ll ruin my reputation as__ the __incorrigible__ Q!"_

"You're secret is safe with me, Q. Besides, no one would ever believe it any way."

Chakotay dropped into sleep again, but this time he did not dream.

_tbc__…_


	25. Sex Ed 101: Kathryn Has a Problem

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 25

Sex Ed 101 for Kathy:

Kathryn Has a Problem

- - - - - -

Nine days flew by yet paradoxically seemed to take forever at the same time. Kathryn was aware that Chakotay was about to disembark from Voyager. She imagined Chakotay abandoned and alone on a strange planet. An image of him, older with a wild beard and tattered clothing, haunted her. He was too gregarious to be sentenced to that fate.

She thought about the consequences of her actions: after this day she would never see him again and she would never know of his fate, except in persistent visions of a lost man.

Would she be able to live with herself if this is what she did to him? Could she look at herself in the mirror, or would she become the first Starship Captain to end up as a withered husk of her former self in some Starfleet care facility, assuming they got home. She was heading in that direction, she knew.

She sat in her quarters, running scenarios over in her mind as she had for several weeks. Those interminable weeks went by swiftly at the same time. Those fast forward times that seemed to exist in ticks of seconds.

Chakotay's words. Tuvok's recommendations. She could not bear any of it, but every word, every recrimination bubbled up in her mind and repeated again and again.

One solution would be to imprison him, to hold him on her Starship. Keep him in the brig, as her prisoner. In any case, she had to stop him from leaving. But, no one would allow her to take that action, even if she claimed that he was not in his right mind. Was she in her right mind?

She refused the Doctor's attentions outright, threatening to decompile his program herself if he tried to touch her. She had already stepped down from duty, so his holographic hands were tied. The only crewmember she allowed to see her was Tuvok; he would not defy her wishes.

She looked up and saw a woman standing above her. At first, she thought the disapproving figure was a hallucination, or projection of her own guilt. Perhaps Chakotay's visions were contagious or caused by a spatial anomaly or interstellar phenomenon, the same old same old.

The self-assured feisty red head folded her arms across her midsection, shaking her head in disgust and looking as if she was about to scold an errant child.

"Hello, Sweetie Dahhling," she said with disdain. "You are I are going to have a little discussion. Correction. I am going to speak and you are going to listen — and obey!"

"Get off my ship, Q! Or Mrs. Q," Kathryn said weakly through parched lips.

"You know, you look absolutely horrible," she purred. "So, you _can_ be too rich and too thin, and you haven't got the first one, honey. Mmm. We have a little problem, my pet. Now let's see, where to begin…."

"Are you having man problems again, Q?" Kathryn shot.

She scoffed and laughed a fake 'ha ha ha'.

"You, my dear…what is that you do? Star something Captain or something?" she slurred. "You little Miss are in no position to make commentary about that particular issue or any issue regarding getting and keeping a man. And, yes, I did say "Miss". It's spelled S-P-I-N-S-T-E-R".

Kathryn looked down for a split second and then brought her chin up defiantly.

"Rejected him again? What is it? Protecting your virginity? Oh, mmm…let's see, can't be that one."

"Leave me alone," Kathryn resorted, her grief dulling her ability to defend herself. If there was a defense.

"Your virtue?" she asked, pulling her words like Thurston Howell, the Third. "No, can't be that one either!"

"I won't continue this discussion."

"Do you have any idea what you've put my poor husband through with your nonsense? It's ghastly!"

"Your husband? What are you droning on about?" Kathryn demanded, not interested in tackling another Q.

"Still, he did look cute in that gaucho get up, don't you think? Oh, you don't remember that! Of course not. You're so limited, what with living in only one timeline. Pity. I'll have to take a tiny moment to show you that hot little number. Priceless!" Mrs. Q oozed.

"I'm in no mood for this!"

"Yes. Yes you are!" Mrs. Q leveled. "Now, let's see. Where to begin? When my husband got involved, he thought he could do a good deed where you were concerned. He's always looking after his Starfleet pets that way. But, then, well, he, as he often does, got tempted. He does have a short attention span; only one or two millennia."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Kathryn said, pulling a damp washcloth over her gaunt features. "Q has not been seen here since…"

Kathryn thought about her wild theory. She thought, for some reason, Q might be involved with Chakotay's odd behavior.

"Oh! Now she gets it! Yes, my husband is living inside your man. The only trouble is my dearest one, well…shall we say, he messed things up between you and Chapolee. Q simply got carried away and had a few lapses in judgment. Nothing major."

"What does this have to do with **Cha-****ko****-****tay**?" she emphasized the pronunciation.

"I know you only have a flicker of existence, but do you think you could pay attention for a split second. I'm getting to that!

"So the Q Continuum decided he would live inside Chakotay until he won your heart. But, if you continued to refuse him, Q would live inside your Chakotay for the rest of his life."

"What?"

"Frankly, I don't see the point. It really is a cruel and unnecessary action! Not even Q the Terrible received such a punishment and he instantly and irrevocably turned an entire galaxy into a mirrored ornament in some garish dance establishment in your Earth's 1970's. It was pretty though."

"Your husband does have a way with people," Kathryn deadpanned.

"That he does. No argument here," Mrs. Q agreed. "Are you…" she put her hands up and shook her head, making a face. "Are you perhaps getting this now, or do I need to draw colorful pictures and put on a puppet show?"

"Poor Chakotay!" Kathryn burst.

"What? Poor Q is more like it! Be that as it may, it appears that there is only one course of action, my dear: You're getting married toot sweet! That's French, deeh-er."

"No it isn't!" Kathryn thought for a moment. "I suppose we could get married and then have an annulment."

"Do you know what 'married' means? Did you get the part about now and forever, 'till death do us part, etc. etc. Did you miss the training film that day?"

Suddenly images started flickering against a wall as if from an old style movie projector from the mid-20th century. Scratches and dust ran throughout the grainy black and white images as the rattle of the ancient projector began its sputter. Kathryn saw herself, dressed in 1950's Earth apparel, getting up from a wooden desk in a high school classroom, which bore Starfleet Academy emblems. A narrator told the story in a booming voice but with tones garbled by the age of the film.

"This is Kathryn Janeway. Kathryn is a Starship Captain for Starfleet, a position she worked long and hard to attain. She is dedicated to her ship and her crew, but Kathryn has a problem."

"This is Chakotay. Chakotay is descended from a race of humans nearly wiped out by immigrants who invaded their part of the Earth. Finally, these Native people traveled to the stars, and founded their own planet. Sadly, intruders also invaded their new home.

"Chakotay set off on a vain quest to right a wrong and save what remained of his home. Kathryn's orders were to find him and bring him to justice for defying Starfleet.

"Chakotay also has a problem.

"When Chakotay and Kathryn met, something wonderful happened to them. On first sight, they both fell hopelessly in love, but Kathryn's devotion to false ideals prevented them from the next natural step..."

"Should I stop?" Mrs. Q asked Kathryn who was stunned to silence. "I can also show you the basic training about what a man and woman do when they meet and fall in love…" she smirked suggestively. "I'm very fond of that one!"

"No!" Kathryn burst. "That will not be necessary."

"I like you, Kathy. But, you are one of the most obstinate beings I have ever encountered!"

_tbc_

_Oh for some __V'ger__ clips__What a YouTube that would all make!_

_Gawd__, I crack me up! Thanks for your support and encouragement. I appreciate hearing from people very much!__ Stick around! This __get's__ nuttier!_

_Oh Paramount!__ You __didn't__ have a clue what you had, did you! __Bwah__ ha!_


	26. I Hate Long Goodbyes

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 26

"I hate long goodbyes..." Robert Beltran.

- - - -

The crew's mood in the Shuttle Bay was deeply somber. It felt more like the scene of a funeral than a goodbye to a living person. Chakotay checked his supplies and survival gear and stowed his meager possessions. He put the last of his belongings into the small shuttle that Tuvok allowed him to have. Not that he had any choice in the matter. There would have been a flat out mutiny if Tuvok had not given Chakotay everything he would need to start a life away from Voyager, including a replicator, clearly contraband on a planet where the Prime Directive could easily be breeched.

Q hovered in the background, but true to his word, he curbed his acerbic commentary. He knew this was difficult for Chakotay. He was also beginning to experience Chakotay's emotions fully. Q was also feeling his sadness and turmoil. He even offered a few words of support on occasion.

Each crewmember stood solemnly, waiting to say their tearful farewells to him. He spoke to each one in turn, hugs and handshakes abounded.

The Delaney sisters gave him bookend kisses, one on each side of his face and he flushed with their attention.

Harry thanked him for his leadership and wished him the best.

When it was her turn, Seven shifted and even blushed. "I am sorry for…"

"Please, Seven," he told her like a reassuring parent. "You have a lot of offer. I know you will find someone special some day."

"You are," she shifted again, "special to me, in many ways."

He took her hand and looked into her beautiful blue eyes.

_"OK, I've been good. Until now!" Q started. "At least…"_

Chakotay took her into his arms and hugged her tightly then kissed her cheek and forehead, which seemed to please her a great deal.

"Good bye, Chakotay," she said as she walked away, affected by his attention. "I think you are truly a beautiful man, in many ways. I regret that the Captain cannot see that."

_"Well__, it will have to do, I suppose__. Still you could have felt her…"_

"Stop!" Chakotay pleaded in a whisper that only Seven and the Doctor could hear.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay; I did not mean to offend you...I..." She ran from the bay in tears.

"Seven, it's OK! I wasn't..."

Chakotay wanted to kick Q, if only he could!

"It has been a great pleasure knowing you, Mr. Chakotay," Neelix said effusively with admiration in his eyes as he hugged him. "Mr. Tuvok sends his best regards. He hopes you understand why he is not here."

"Thank you Neelix," Chakotay said as he managed a slight smile. "Please send Tuvok my best wishes and my highest respects. I wish him and all of you well."

Tuvok was one of the few personnel who remained on the bridge, as nearly the entire crew were there, seeing Chakotay off to his new life.

The Doctor was unhappy for yet another reason; he had never figured out what was wrong with Chakotay, although the symptoms abated and he appeared almost normal save for a few whispered slips. Still it rankled him when he could not solve a medical problem, the computer based part of his AI not able to accept a question without an answer. The Doctor was still watching Chakotay, surreptitiously as possible, hoping at the last moment that he would find the key.

Maquis and 'Fleet alike, each crewmember filed past Chakotay. Many said goodbye and left in tears. The few who remained were among his closest friends.

"I can't believe you're leaving, Chakotay," B'Elanna told him, as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I know B'Elanna. I wish it were otherwise," he said, hugging his old friend.

"She may not care about you, but there are people on this ship who love you, very much."

Chakotay managed a wan smile at Tom when B'Elanna wrapped herself around him, as if a tight hug could stop him from leaving.

"Tom, give me your hand," Chakotay requested. Chakotay held B'Elanna and drew Tom closer. He spoke a prayer in traditional Native American tongues, a meld of several ancient Earth languages and oral traditions. At the end of his Native language portion, Chakotay repeated the words in English.

"Spirits, bless this union," he began. "Bless these children with happiness, prosperity, love and the laughter of many sons…," he smiled. "And many daughters as beautiful and strong as their mother and as loyal as their father."

Tom was deeply touched and started to choke up as Chakotay gave them his blessing. Their friends stood by and the Delaney girls broke into tears, as if they were attending a wedding.

"Tom, I know I can leave B'Elanna with you with peace in my heart. Both of you: please love one another with every ounce of strength you have. Be good to one another. You have a treasure, this blessing of love. Never neglect this gift."

Slowly Chakotay let B'Elanna go and hugged Tom. "Thank you, Chakotay. We will. I promise you," Tom vowed sincerely. "I know how lucky I am, believe me!" Tom held B'Elanna who was crying so hard she could no longer speak. "I hope you find…"

"Captain!" Neelix said.

There was an audible gasp from the crew as Kathryn Janeway entered the Shuttle Bay. Her sunken checks and unsteady gait exposed her suffering to a shocked crew. She plodded toward Chakotay, who was as stunned as the rest of them.

"Computer! Medical Emergency. Beam Captain Janeway to…" the Doctor attempted.

"Belay that, Computer," she said, her signature strong voice absent. She sounded weak and breathless.

"Commander," she started and then thought better of it. "Chakotay, I…" She collapsed into his arms

"Computer, Emergency Override, Chakotay ME0101; 3 to beam to Sickbay. Tom?" He was very grateful that they had neglected to change his security status as the three of them beamed, followed closely by the Doctor.

_tbc_


	27. Men Who Love Too Much & the Q

­The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part, ah? Anybody still counting?

27???

Men Who Care Too Much

And the Q Who Nag Them

- - - - - - -

The Doctor rushed to rehydrate and nourish his ailing Captain. Tom stood by and aided him when necessary. He tried to calm Chakotay, who was beside himself with grief and he gave him status reports on her progress.

"She's stabilized," he told him. "Now she just needs time. The Doctor says she will fully recover."

Chakotay sat next to Kathryn, holding her hand and shaking inside. He had experienced a brush with death with her once before. Even though he had given up all hope of having a relationship with her, this somehow seemed even worse than his previous experience. Intermittently, tears rolled down his tan cheeks.

_"I think she will be all right, Chakotay. She's in good hands. We should probably leave now," Q suggested. _

"No!" he breathed. "Not now. I won't leave her now."

_"Are you serious?" Q asked, holding his virtual tongue."After what she's put us through?" _

"Maybe we were meant to stay. Maybe it's the only way."

"Commander," Harry Kim entered Sickbay, puzzled by Chakotay's whispered words. "I mean, 'Mr. Chakotay'. In another 3 hours, the planet will be out of shuttle range. We cannot stop. We're under a deadline for crucial supplies and we need to get to our rendezvous point to meet our contact."

"Thanks, Harry," Chakotay said and turned back to look at Kathryn.

"I thought you should know," Harry said weakly. "Seven did not find another suitable planet, and…ah…there doesn't seem to be anything along our trajectory for several months."

Chakotay could no longer hear Harry, since Q was nagging loudly.

_"What if she never relents, which, given what we've experienced so far, would be in keeping with her pattern. Chakotay, she's never going to let herself love you." _

"It doesn't matter! I don't matter. I think I was sent to…to be hers and stand by her side, no matter what," he said sincerely. "Perhaps it was my sentence for leaving Starfleet and joining the Maquis."

_"Oh, no! Not this! Please tell me you don't believe that." Q objected. "You joined the Merry Misfits to stave off the Cardassian threat that her precious Starfleet ignored! They destroyed your home and your family! You were following your own moral compass. That counts for a lot in the cosmos!" _

"It doesn't matter about me. I'm hers in any way she wants me. I'm hers even if she does not want me at all. I'll be her friend, her First Officer, her butler, her slave…"

_"I don't believe you! Have an iota of self-esteem. You are amazing! And you're making me intensely sick! What about me? Think of all the suffering you are putting me through? Can't you see she's not worth it?" _

"Even if she isn't, I don't care. She's worth it to me, even if she were a…"

_"I get it! You can't resist a woman in uniform!" _

"Even if she were the lowest of the low, dressed in rags…"

Q struggled to convince Chakotay to abandon Voyager, once and for all. He pleaded, cajoled, badgered, pestered, and harassed. Time was running out and Chakotay would not budge.

"I thought you wanted us to fall in love! Now all you want is for me to leave her! If I leave her, you'll be stuck inside me for 70-80 years with..."

_"Ah, only 60-70, I hope!"_

"...Stuck inside me until I die without hope of having a chance to get you out."

Paris listened closely to Chakotay's whispered words, but did not say anything. He left Chakotay's side for a quiet conference with the Doctor.

"Doc…"

"Yes, I know."

"Should we sedate him?"

"Absolutely not!" The Doctor, frustrated again that he had to be second guessed by his assistant. "The only way we're going to find out what's going on with him will be to pay attention. Now, go back to doing whatever it was that you were doing, but please, Mr. Paris, stay out of the way of medical science."

"Doctor, your bedside manner would…"

"Yes, Mr. Paris, go on."

Paris relented, shook his head.

"And don't interfere!" The Doctor whispered. "Listen to what he's saying and try to make yourself useful. It's hard for you, I know."

Tom returned to the heartrending tableaux, plopped next to the two officers, and contemplated a way to commit Holo-cide.

Kathryn was stirring, drifting in and out of consciousness. She was far from lucid and could not speak. The Doctor hovered over to them occasionally, adjusting her nutritional and medicinal intakes.

Chakotay continued his devout vigil into the next day, never taking a rest, but holding her hand and wiping her face. He prayed desperately to every being, spirit, or god who looked after fools and lovers. Finally, he collapsed in a nearby biobed from exhaustion.

He dreamt he was watching Q and his wife. They were talking, but he did not understand their words. They seemed happy to be together, though they bickered as couples often do. He watched them kiss and he longed for that for himself, but accepted that he may never have that. He would have to learn to live with it. It was simply not his lot in life.

The dream became a blur as he woke up in his own bed; they moved him there from Sickbay. Kathryn was no longer with him but Q was.

"I dreamt…"

_"I know. She's really something, isn't she? Woof!"_

"Yes, Kathryn is…"

_"Not that cow! I mean my wife," Q said with disdain. "She just came to taunt me for all of this, but I love the way she does it!"_

"Don't call Kathryn a cow," Chakotay said with his usual calm.

_"I'll call her what I please…I…" Q stopped himself. "I'm sorry. Nevermind. Well, time to enter a new phase of subservience. If I had my powers, I'd turn you into a door mat so you could be even more useful to her on those dismal muddy planetoids that spin in those bleak back woods galaxies."_

"Thanks, it's the thought that counts," Chakotay said quietly.

_tbc... _

_This presentation brought to you by the R&R's and the "favoritizers" and the "alerters". Thanks! You Support Makes This Possible! Consider dropping a word or twenty of encouragement and praise anytime. We're almost there! I need to get this finished so I can return to the real world! But, it's like a book I can't put down, only it's coming from me! Weird, huh?_


	28. Chakotay, Male Nurse

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part 28

Chakotay, Male Nurse

- - - --

Chakotay stayed in Sickbay with Kathryn over the next days, doting over her and making certain her health returned. The Doctor began by hinting, then progressed through simply telling him that he was in the way. Yet, Chakotay would not leave Kathryn's side.

Chakotay could not stop himself; he bent over and kissed her forehead, not certain how or if she would react. Her cheeks flushed and she cooed a soft murmur as he did. Chakotay remembered an old Earth tale of Sleeping Beauty and prayed that his kiss would revive her.

_"You are so co-dependent it's disgusting!" Q __criticized as he paced inside his virtual world._

"I know," Chakotay replied calmly, simply enjoying the view of Kathryn's sleeping form. "Are you worried about her?"

_"I...Well, she's just a human. __Of no consequence__ Her li__fe is over in a split __nano__-second of a fraction of a..."_

Chakotay smiled. "Maybe you do understand, now that you see her through my eyes. She's a treasure."

Q grumbled but then remained silent, as if he had joined Chakotay's vigil.

He continued by her side, making certain she was recovering. He paced and checked readings. He asked to the Doctor so many questions and made so many observations about Kathryn's condition that the EMH went on an all out tirade that went "Medical amateurs! Would you please only alert me if your see any negative changes that required my attention? She will come to us when she is good and ready and not a second before. Like a baby. Now, you should really go to your quarters, Chakotay."

Kathryn was in a deep, healing sleep. She dreamed that she was standing alongside a vast canyon, with a giant stone wall that floated in the air above it. A foreboding river gushed and spewed green-black poisons, separating the two sides of the canyon. Snakes writhed there and other creatures lurked beneath the torrents that were more hideous and alien. There seemed to be no bridge, no way to pass to the other side yet she knew she had to get there; it was imperative. It most important thing she had to do in her life.

On the other side, she saw Chakotay, who looked at her with ardor and longing. He was very sad, a lost soul. He fell down on his knees, burdened as he was with their separation. She could see that he was holding out his hand and calling her name, but his voice disappeared above the cry of the malevolent river. He wept bitterly while she stood on her side of the chasm, frozen by a cold heart that beat in her chest.

She tried to tell him the river was put there for a reason and that even if she could cross it, she should never do so. A winged stallion with a man's face landed next to her and told her that she created all that she saw, this vast obstacle. He prompted her to allow him to transport her over, but warned her that it was she who must destroy the obstruction.

She found that she had little golden pellets in her hand and if she released them, they grew and became winged creatures with iridescent feathers. Each one took a brick away and dissolved. The process was too slow, and time was running out. She watched with horror as a black draped figure drew nearer to Chakotay. It seemed to bear Native American emblems, but she knew he was evil. She tried to tell Chakotay to run, but he could not see the danger that was lashing black tendrils into his brown skin. Each tendril caused welts and blood to gush from the entry point, still Chakotay could not see the dark one. The pain was draining him. His body went rigid and he was turning into ash in front of her helpless eyes.

The winged horse was gone. In desperation, she threw up every pellet she had, and called Chakotay's name. An ancient Indian, stood somewhere near her and chanted, but she did not understand his language. She willed the wall away, simply wished it was gone and then she was with Chakotay who was waiting patiently for her. "I would. I would wait forever for you, Kathryn," he said and the entire scene went to colors and she stopped dreaming,

Chakotay continued watching, waiting for a sign. He did notice a slight drop in her body temperature on a scan. It was well within a normal range but she seemed to be shivering. The Doctor did not wish to be alerted, he had said. It was indeed a minor matter.

_"Go ahead!" Q prompted. "I know you want to."_

"I can't!" he objected. "It would not be proper!"

_"__Proper, eh?__Go on! I __won't__ tell. Besides, you need to sleep as well."_

"Is that concern?"

_"Yes, it is, __It's __whatever__ you want as long as you __just get in there and warm her up."_

"I don't think..."

_"No, I don't think you ever think__! You could just put some warming pack__s__ on her, if you would prefer. But, they do use up a lot of __replicator __energy__ and you have that small supply problem..."_

"Enough." Chakotay relented and sat on the bio-bed. Finally, he drew next to her prone form, careful to keep blankets between them. Tenderly he took her in his arms, and became a natural and energy saving warming pack. The last time he held her, she was a limp form collapsed in his arms. Why had she come to the shuttle bay? Was it simply to say good-bye? He wondered.

He studied her still beautiful face, allowing himself to run his fingers over her checks, caressing her lightly. He had never seen her vulnerable. Did not even consider it a possibility, yet here she was, a fragile, porcelain doll whom he wanted to protect. He allowed himself to relax, feeling the heavy tug of fatigue pull him into the arms of Morpheus. The pure joy of holding her, the bed and the reassurance and comfort of the platonic hug brewed a sleeping potion he could not resist.

As he fell asleep, he willed his strength to her and prayed that she return to him, soon.

- - - - - - - --

Chakotay sat at her bedside, reading her Starfleet file. He found he had access to almost all the files about her. He stared at pictures of her. He ran across a picture of her with Mark, and hung his head. He felt ashamed; perhaps she was right. She was committed to this man, who obviously loved her very much. But, Voyager had been missing for years. Would he wait for her? Then Chakotay realized and said aloud, "I would. I would wait forever for you, Kathryn."

He thought he had imagined it, but Kathryn was coming back to him. She was slowly waking up. When she opened her eyes, she saw Chakotay leaning over her, his face the picture of love and devotion.

"Hello," he greeted simply. "Are you back with us?"

"Mmm. It would seem so. Chakotay, I…"

"Shhh. I'm staying with you, Kathryn, on Voyager. If you'll have me."

"Of course!" she said as strongly as she could.

Color was back in her cheeks and she was looking fuller from the rehydration alone. She had a way to go, but here she was, alive and on the road to recovery.

"Did you bring those?" she asked, noticing the bouquet that was at her bedside.

"Yes. Hydroponics has a particularly healthy crop."

"They are lovely," said making certain she showed her gratitude for his thoughtfulness. "Chakotay, I need to speak with you."

_"__Oh no! __This is what I mean! Whenever a human woman, or any woman from any galaxy, says 'I need to speak with you'__ then__ you are in over your head, up to your haunches and beyond all help!__ Get out now!__"_

"Too late," he said aloud, but to Q.

"Is it? Please don't say that, Chakotay. I really hoped it was not too late for us," she started to get upset.

"I didn't mean…Please go on." He put his hand on hers.

_"Go on 'dear'! Just add the __'__dear__'__! Must I do everything around here?__"_

"Go on, dear," Chakotay relented, enjoying the sound of that word. Rejection be damned!

"I have been so wrong, Chakotay, in all of this. What I did to you. What I did to me. What I did to the ship and our friends."

_"What? Is this a trick? They never admit to being wrong!"_

"It's all over now. Kathryn, I meant what I said on New Earth. And, I want you to know I still mean it. I belong to you. Whether you want me or not. If you need a First Officer, I'll be the finest you will ever know. If you need a friend, I'm available. If you need…." he began to choke up. "Well, I'll let the Doctor know you're coming around at last."

_"Oh my word!__ That is the sappiest, syrupy,__ most __nauseating thing __I've__ ever __experienced__ in a million thousand millenni__a__! I would evacuate the contents of my stomach if I had one!"_

She took his hand with both of hers. "I just need you, Chakotay," she told him sincerely. "You mentioned marriage...I think that I would very much like to marry you, if you even want me."

Chakotay felt a great burden lifted from his shoulders, as if he were weightless. Could it really be happening? Had he heard those words from her or was he just in a dream of longing. He leaned down and carefully enfolded her in a gentle embrace. This time, she did not pull back or run away. This time, she did not make excuses or avoid his love. Finally, delicately their lips met and their spirits soared together.

"This is disgusting!" Q groused. "I can't believe I let myself in for this!"

"Don't you ever shut up, dear?" Mrs. Q asked.

"Dearest! I was just joking, my sweetness!" Q covered, then turned away, and made a grimace the way Tom did when caught by Tuvok.

"Can't you see your monkeys are about to have a mating breakthrough and you're not helping in the least with your insipid running commentary!"

"Well, I…They are?"

"Q, you never were very bright, especially when it comes to the fairer gender," she told him. "What possessed you to get involved with these two in the first place? How in Continuum would you ever be able to be a matchmaker?"

Q turned to her, sat down, put his hand under his chin and coyly looked up at his wife. "Well, actually, I wanted to impress you, my cupcake."

"Bah ha ha ha. You already do impress me, my little cabbage," she said sweetly.

"I do, honey bunny?" he said, hopefully.

"Oh yes, lambkins. You impress me that you are a complete idiot!"

"Me! What?"

"They say that what a woman wants most, is a man who will make her laugh," she told him.

"I've heard that said, somewhere in the cosmos," he said, warily. "If that were true, why did "Weird Al" Yankovic have to wait till he turned 40 to find his perfect bride?"

"Because, dearest, **ALL** men make us laugh!"

"What?"

"It's true. We simply sit on the sidelines, waiting for you to finish pulling your silly stunts and say, 'Oooh! Ouch! That _will_ leave a mark!' every time you commit one of your absurdities."

"Fine. I'm a dolt. I'm a fool. I'm an idiot! A dandy. A child and every other insult you've ever hurled at me over the eons. Why did you marry me?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes! I really want to know!"

"Well, here's the secret..."

"Yes?" he drew close to her.

She leaned in closer and said, "I like the spurs!"

"Really?" he asked, somewhat pleased. "If I had my powers..." Suddenly Q realized he was free of Chakotay. He smiled with triumph and zapped himself into full El Diablo attire.

"Shall we?" he asked, ushering her to the Universe.

"Not so fast!" She crossed her arms.

"Huh?"

She looked around and said, "Where is the horse?"

_tbc_

_I was delighted I found a way to include Mrs. Q. I had a false start along those lines, then when she popped in and red Kathryn the riot act, I was delighted! This really is a process where I have to get out of my own way and just do it, and let it come out. Very cool!_


	29. Denoument

The Q Must Be Crazy II

Part...dah, I think it's near the end!

An Unexpected Wedding Guest

- - - - -

"I heard he swept her off her feet, literally! Then he carried her to a special romantic holoprogram and they made love for hours on a moonlit beach beneath a purple sky."

"Mmm. Too sandy. Who told you that one?" Tom said, skeptically as he dipped his feet in the cold waters in a waterfall pool on the Holodeck. Tom had chosen the Hava Supai Indian Reservation, at its glassy pond with the diamanté waterfall and clear blue mineral waters.

"I don't remember who told me that," Megan said sincerely.

"I thought someone said that they played pirates, and she rescued him from an cadre of evil zombies." Jenny added.

"As opposed to good zombies?" Harry questioned which earned him those familiar glares.

"Then they jumped into the ocean and became mer-people, found an inviting hideaway in a crystal palace and romanced until they fell asleep, sated from love, in each others' willing arms."

"Sounds like a fish tale," Tom barbed, but was ignored.

"I can just imagine her using anti-grav units on him or even slinging him over her back. Then carting him off to a bubble bath and then..." B'Elanna suggested, pretending her towel was Chakotay.

"Don't you girls ever stop talking about romance?" Harry asked, testing the icy waters with his toe.

"What do you like to talk about, Harry?" Megan asked knowingly.

"Real stuff, like EPS conduits and tetryron emissions. Say, what about that last quantum singularity? Huh? Wasn't that a doosey? Back me up, Chief Engineer!"

"Yeah, Starfleet. Whatever," B'Elanna snarked. "I think we'll just stick to human relationships. Much more interesting."

"If you say..." Harry relented, shaking his head in disbelief.

"We say," all three girls said in chorus. All together, they jumped into the icy blue waters, splashing Harry and Tom with cold wet fingers of water.

"What can I say, Harry? Girls love this love business! Which is a good thing, as far as we're concerned. You'll understand when you are older," Tom said, aping an all-knowing elder.

"Sure, Grandpa!"

The pair laughed.

"Tom, don't tell them, but I really don't care about EPS conduits. Just for the record."

"OK, Harry. Your secret is safe with me. Didn't you like the mer-people story?"

"Yeah, that was a whopper and a half. Doesn't any couple just go back to their quarters, put on some nice music and tumble under the covers?"

"I wouldn't know. Last time, B'Elanna and I went to a Victorian mansion in a misty English countryside. She was the innocent chamber maid and I played the enticing Baron von Rosen, who could seduce any woman with a glance. Except her. She resisted my wiles until I became a powerful vampire and took her in the bell tower."

"You have got to be kidding me!" Harry burst, not able to stand it anymore. "Whew! You are kidding me, aren't you?"

Tom only smiled. "Always wonder!" he said. "Say, Jenny! What are you doing with the controls?"

"Oh, it's just a holo-subroutine I found that I wanted to show Megan and B'Elanna. I don't know where it came from, but I really like it!"

The sounds of horses' hooves thundered toward them. A dashing figure of a beautiful Mexican desperado emerged from the billowing clouds of dust. He bore a striking resemblance to their own First Officer. He spotted Megan and rode toward her and snapped her up to him, laughing as he did. Megan was stunned at first, but then she yelled, "Thank you, Jen!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

To Kathryn's surprise, the crew barely batted an eyelash or ruffled an ounce of down when the announcement went out. She expected eyebrows to go up and perhaps even a trial regarding her union to Chakotay, her First Officer. She even considered the possibility that the crew would want her step down as Captain. Nothing could be further from what really happened.

The crew offered support, well wishes, and many fond words of happiness on their behalf. Torrents of high morale electrified the atmosphere; the air held vapors of elation. Even Tuvok appeared to be extra smug and self-satisfied, very pleased that he played a part in their union.

The day of their wedding arrived. The ship was put on "Auto" on all systems, freeing most of the crew to join the celebration. Those who could not make it were treated to seeing the entire event on their vid screens with Neelix as EmCee. Tuvok was there to officiate.

Q sat in the front row on the Groom's side while his wife sat on the Bride's side. They spent a lot of time making eyes at one another and alternatively materializing and tossing paper roses at each other, happy whenever they scored a direct hit.

When everyone told their places, and Tuvok was about to begin the ceremony, Q stood up unexpectedly before the group.

"I have a special announcement," he said as he sipped genuine Dom Perignon that he had gifted to the wedding party. "I would like to introduce a special guest to this joyous occasion!

"Joyous to me because I'm rid of Chakotay once and for all!" he said under his breath to Mrs. Q, who cast him a gaze of searing disapproval.

"Behave yourself, Q. Just to be different," she shot.

Chakotay's Grandfather casually walked down the aisle and stood with the stunned couple.

"Is this her?" the old man asked Chakotay with an air of dissatisfaction.

"Grandfather? Q?"

"Yes, it's him!" Q said with glee. "He really is one of the best dead people I've ever met! Very refreshing!"

She mouthed, "Is he a hologram?" and Chakotay shook his head, knowing that Q had brought them the true Spirit of an Ancestor with whom he had a deep connection.

Chakotay announced matter-of-factly. "Kathryn, I'd like you to meet my Great Grandfather. My real Great Grandfather," he told her with joy and wonder that now dawned on him.

"Ah, I'm pleased to meet you, sir." she said, holding out her hand. She did not say 'I thought you were long since passed away and back in the Alpha Quadrant.' Of course, she knew Q had done this.

"Then, this _is_ her?" he prompted impatiently with a disapproving look. He ignored her greeting and outstretched hand and said, "She is skinny and will need to be fed before she can bear you strong sons. Does she not cook? She will need to be trained to cook and to keep the dwelling."

Kathryn's eyebrows rose. Chakotay was slightly embarrassed but amused by his Grandfather's remarks. It was heartwarming to have this being here, so far from home, so far from death. This might be the closest thing to having her meet his family that may ever happen.

"My Grandfather believes in the old ways," Chakotay informed her.

"You can learn from the old ways, Chakotay!" Grandfather said, shaking a finger him. "You still have much to learn."

"I don't doubt that," he said with humility.

Grandfather walked around Kathryn, sniffed, and scrunched his face. He sighed and shook his head, as if he were displeased with a horse he was about to purchase. "What kind of skins are these for a wedding?" he asked, looking at her lovely replicated silk dress.

Kathryn raised her eyebrows and looked imploringly at Chakotay, who held up a hand and nodded his head, in a 'please be patient' gesture.

The old man did not wait for an answer. "Mmm…Small build, but strong body and strong arms," he noted. "Good spirit. She tends this vessel?" he said waving his hand around at Voyager. He nodded his first approval and a look of 'not bad.'

He did not wait for an answer and proceeded. "Yes, I think she will do. It is long past time that you took a woman, Chakotay!"

Grandfather seemed to be considering his options, having an argument with himself, which he lost.

"Ach!" he said with an air of disgust, as if he was at the bottom of the barrel for options. "I had better give you my blessing before it's too late! You will never find another woman like this."

"Excuse me, Sir," Kathryn began, "but I think I…"

Chakotay's imploring looked stopped her.

Grandfather closed his eyes and seemed to be chanting a song to someone far away. Suddenly he stopped and finally addressed Kathryn.

"Woman! What is her name, again Chakotay? I am old and cannot remember these things."

"Kathryn," he smiled, enjoying the sound. "Yes, she is my Captain on a ship that sails to the stars. She knows how to keep ship." He smiled and allowed his face show her how much he cared for her. He was out of that habit, having carefully stowed that type of display away. It felt good to look at her with love, open and without guilt that he had violated her wishes.

"All women are The Captain, Chakotay. Do not try my patience! Kathryn! Give me your hand. You too, Fool. Give me your hand!"

"But Tuvok…" Chakotay began. "Well, is it all right, Kathryn?"

"Do you think I am allowed all eternity to play with you? Give me your hands now, for the blessing and the union. The rest is up to you, Chakotay."

"Do I have any say in this?" Kathryn asked, with a wry smile.

Chakotay, Grandfather and Tuvok said, "No!" in unison. This was an impossible occurrence. She would become his wife, and they would have the blessing of his ancestors. It was an amazing gift from Q.

Kathryn realized what was happening, that this opportunity would not come again.

There was nothing else to do, so she gave the old man her hand and Chakotay followed suit.

Grandfather carried out a brief ritual and prayer, singing in ancient tongues, invoking a proud history.

Chakotay and Kathryn locked eyes and something went through them both. For a very long time they had been in the habit of avoiding eye contact, each afraid of what they would see in each other's eyes. Chakotay afraid that she would change her mind. Kathryn afraid of this step. For the moment, they forgot to hide.

"Today, you have learned about the guile and folly of the Trickster, and for that, I am grateful to the Old Ones, the Sky People and to our Ancestors."

"Hey! I resent that!" Q said loudly.

"Shut up, Q!" Mrs. Q ordered.

"Yes, dear," Q relented.

"Yes, Grandfather," Chakotay respectfully agreed. "I am grateful for all that I have been given."

"The good news about the Trickster, Chakotay, is that he is as big a fool as you."

Q started to open his mouth, but his wife's glare stopped him on a dime.

Chakotay looked down, feeling every bit the fool in all this.

"I never thought your father beat you enough! Maybe he would have knocked some sense into that thick skull of yours."

The old man turned to Kathryn and smiled. "My son's son's son is an idiot, but he can learn. He loves you beyond all measure and that is a great blessing and of a value of that has no comparison. You shall return to our Mother, The Mother Earth some day, when the time is right, but for now you have each other and this loyal tribe you call your crew."

Kathryn began to choke up. She was frightened by many things in this, but Grandfather's words went straight to her heart.

"Bear me many strong Great Great Grandsons and daughters, Kathryn. I know you will raise them with love, strength and with wisdom."

"Thank you!" they both said.

"I must return to our Ancestors," he told them. "My time here is ended. Thank you, Mr. Trickster! You have many faces, some are kind, and for that I am grateful."

"Don't mention it!" Q said. "I think this is my best side!" Q said, turning his cheek toward them and mugging as if he were posing for a picture.

Mrs. Q just looked disgusted with her husband. "I hope you both will be as happy as we are!" she said ambiguously; sometimes they did not seem happy and other times they were inseparable.

Grandfather touched his forehead, stepped back, and allowed himself to fade into nothingness, leaving the two of them and the crew in stunned silence.

"Chakotay, I…" she began, as Tuvok and her crew gathered around the newlyweds, eager to congratulate them.

"Captain and Commander," Tuvok began and made the Vulcan sign with his hand. "Kathryn and Chakotay. Live Long and Prosper."

"Peace and long life to you, Tuvok," she said as she hugged him. "Your logic in this matter was flawless."

"Thank you, Ca... Kathryn. I am pleased that the two you have found a home within each other."

As the crew left, Kathryn and Chakotay faced one another, alone at last.

"Chakotay," she said. "I am not certain of the details yet of everything has occurred…"

"I am certain it will be an interesting report, Kathryn," he said suavely. "Are you all right?" He stood close to her, the way he used to when they first met and she did not shy away. He aimed to close this chasm between them, once and for all.

She turned away, not wanting him to see her emotions. He put his hand on her bare shoulder, gently stroking her skin. He put his lips to her neck and she began to tremble. The words of the last few moments raced through her mind.

"We have a home now," she said in disbelief. "Does that mean we won't want to go back?"

He grabbed her hand, and pulled her back to him.

"We can go anywhere we wish, now that we're a true team."

He took a lesson from Q after all. As Q had done to B'Elanna in Sandrine's, Chakotay drew Kathryn to himself and kissed her the way he had wanted to from the first moment he saw her beautiful face. She tensed at first, out of habit. Reflexively, he was half expecting her to do to him what she had done to Q.

"Damn!" she said, as she kissed him back with fervor. "I wonder, did you get to keep that...costume?" she asked slyly.

- - - - - - -

fin (ally!)

Or is it?


End file.
